TMI: A Moment of Sensitivity

We are all so full of it. Does anyone really believe it when they tell themself that they don't want to be loved? Why do we even bother pretending that deep down we aren't secretly hoping that true love exists? I am so guilty of this. I have been saying that I don't want a boyfriend for years now. That I just want to get down and thats all I need. Sure, part of that is true. We all just wanna get our proverbial or not so proverbial dicks wet, but somewhere inside of all of us is a heart wanting some attention. It is just ultimately so much easier to pretend that a relationship isn't want you want than sit there and lament over the reasons why you aren't in one. I'd rather cast off the world in a "boys are stupid, throw rocks at them" rant than sit around feeling sorry for myself and wondering "whats wrong with me?"

It brings you back to the age old question, "why doesn't he love me?" Most of the time, it quite honestly makes no sense. To quote the ever so wise, Miss Beyonce "why don't you love me, when I make me so damn easy to love?" I think I've been asking myself that question since I was 12 years old. I spent a lot of years obsessing over my faults, and then seemingly over night I discovered I was awesome. I decided to start telling myself that I didn't want him anyways, and part of me truly believes it. I know I don't want to be in a relationship. At least not one that ties me down. I don't want to be the type of girl that stays in on a friday night to watch When Harry Met Sally while cuddling with my boyfriend on the couch. I want to be the girl that goes out on a tuesday and spends the night on the dance floor with her girls. That much is true. But theres this little voice inside of me, that also wants someone to go home with at the end of the party.

I just want a boy who loves me for who I am. One who will party with or without me til dawn, but when its all over grabs my hand and takes me home with him. A boy who doesn't mind me calling him at 4am for some late night booty after I've been out all night with the homeboys. But do those exist? Its so much easier to shut myself off from trying to find this boy all together than it is to get hurt by putting myself out there. Every time I think I've found this wonder boy, I'm not the girl for him. And it stings just as bad as it did the first time.

I've been told I need to put myself out there more. But whats the point of that? If he was into me, you would think he wouldn't fuck my friends... right? So, why not just brush it off? Smile, laugh, pretend not to care. No sense beating myself up over something I can't control. But maybe it is time I stopped lying to myself. So here goes:

I do want someone to love me.
I do want a boy to call my own.
I am secretly worried that I will never find "true love".
But no matter, I am still ultimately D.T.F.