Cock Talk

I don't know why I'm awake right now. I'm just sitting here in Erica's bed, wearing Erica's pajamas, and using Erica's computer. I've been facebook stalking people for the past 3 or so hours. Not really sure why, I didn't get anything out of it. No sense of satisfaction, no feeling better or worse about myself and my life, nothing. nada. zilch.

Life back in Oakland has been strange. I can never understand why boys are such a main focus in my life. Why do we all do this to ourselves? Focus so much on sex and relationships and all this bologna. Why can't we just be happy with what we have in front of us? I've fucked 4 boys since coming back from Montana. None of it really meant anything. It never really does. And thats not a bad thing, nor is it a good thing. I think I'd really like to sleep with a boy and have it actually mean something to me, but I can never seem to find him. I always think that maybe things will be different with this one, but they never are. Lets discuss:

Boy 1: I slept with boy number 1 twice right after getting home from Montana. He was nice and funny. I never expected to sleep with him, it just kinda happened. and I thought to myself after the second time, "oh, maybe this is a boy I can sleep with regularly." I didn't want anymore than that, I just wanted a boy to sleep with when it was convenient for both of us. But two days later he was trying to fuck just about any of my lady friends. Typical. I probably would have even slept with him again, after letting him make me feel bad about myself, and even after I proclaimed out loud to Crystal "never again!". Typical. But, I have not slept with him again and I try not to say never, but I think this one should stay in the "friend zone" for many reasons.

Boy 2: Oh, boy 2... he was brown, he was crusty and he was sexy. even with his bad facial hair. I met him at Victory. I was talking to Rayray and she was talking to his friend, he looks at me and says, quite quizzically, "who are you?" right in that moment, i knew if i hung out with him that night we were going to hook up. Lo and behold, he gets into the same car as me and away we go. We partied pretty hard at old punk rock tony's house and the next thing I know he is sitting in between his homeboy and myself looking at me like I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. then he kissed me. we kissed and kissed and kissed, and finally went downstairs and fucked for a really long time. everyone saw us, we didnt care. the cops came in the middle of it. the cops saw his dick, saw my tits, we didnt care. he kissed every part of my body. he made me feel like he never wanted to stop touching me. then finally we took a break and went upstairs to hang out some more, that lasted like 30 minutes and then we went downstairs to fuck again. he gave me a now and later, actually, he gave me two, one for now and one for later. we hung out the whole next day getting drunk, before he left he gave me 3 kisses and wrote down my address, said he'd be in town "a while." I figured that meant an actual while, but I forgot he was speaking crust punk language and that meant like 4 days. i saw him twice when he was supposed to already be gone, and the first time he could not have cared less. i felt like shit. the second time, he kept staring at me, kept lingering close by waiting for me to say or do something, but i was shy. and then we hugged goodbye and that was the end of that. at first i was kind of bummed, but really, i dont need any sort of attachment to a crusty, travel punk anyways.

Boy 3: I actually met boy 3 on the same night I said bye to Boy 2. Boy 3 is the hottest of the bunch and the best in bed. He is so fucking hot, and so funny, and has a big dick. Our hookup was sort of a set up through a friend, and sort of not. We hit it off though, and made out while watching freaks and geeks. and then we fucked for hours on the downstairs couch of my homies house. he was sweet, and we laughed and smiled and had a lot of fun. his smile takes up his whole face. i'm a sucker for a big, goofy, grin. he was the first boy in a long time that i actually wanted to attempt to hang out with again. i had this plan, i was even going to give him my number, but then in the morning we awoke on the smallest couch in the world, and i really had to pee. i crawled over him, and when i came back it would have been so awkward to crawl back into the tiny spot i was laying in, so i gathered my clothes and slowly started to get dressed. i couldnt find my underwear for a really long time, so stood around texting colleen and babyc for a while. eventually i found them, woke him up, kissed him goodbye and left without leaving or receiving a number. dumb. this boy was so, so cute. he told me i tasted like "bubble yum" and smiled every time i kissed him. and kissing him felt so right and so good. i haven't kissed a boy in a while that it actually felt right with. theres usually something off, but with him everything fell into place. i've only seen him once since and i blew it. per usual.

Boy 4: is a boy that I've slept with a few times before. i'm not really sure what my deal is with him because i'm not even super attracted to him most of the time. i like the way he talks. and hes nice, and funny. and he booty-texted me. i was sad about other boys, so i went for it. it was good, it was actually the best of the 3 times we've slept together. we had fun. but i don't know, this one definitely had the least feelings involved. this was primarily just getting my proverbial dick wet.


I don't even know where my head is at these days. My crusty superlove was in town the other day, and i think i said a combined total of 10 words to him. This is like my ultimate boy since moving to Oakland. the one that makes me nervous. makes me run away. but also makes me do things i never do, like drag him into a bathroom and make out with him hardcore. god, he's such a babe. i still have never slept with him, and i want to more than anything. i need to let him go though. its never gunna work out and i know it. thats the problem though, im so tired of it never working out. when will it ever go the way i want it to? what is it that i have to change?

honestly and sincerely, i just want a boy to be nice to me and mean it. for once.