Party Til You Dance

Lessons Learned Through Rereading Old Blog Posts:

2011-04-27T23:17:00.000-07:00

I just spent some time reading a bunch of old posts in this here blog dating back to the beginning of time! Cause we all know none of us existed before this blog. (At least I didn't...) And here is what I learned:

- I used to be WAY funnier. what has happened to me? I have totally lost my comedic edge. I used to say hilarious shit all the time, now i'm all "wah wah wah boys are st00pid, throw rocks at them!" UGH THAT SUCKS. from here on out, i vow to be funny again! Bring back the wit! bring back the sass! Jesus, Al...

- Wild Hogs is the shit.

- At one time, everything was so new and exciting! I was partying with all new people, making best friends, and sleeping with different boys all the fucking time. I need some spark in my life! Gutta get out there and try some new shit. Or something.

- James Franco is STILL the most beautiful man in the world. DUH.

- My obsession with Danny Devito can be a little creepy at times. But that isn't going to stop me from loving him. He is, after all, the fucking man.

- Using pictures in blog updates makes them WAY more exciting. I should take more pictures. Oh wait, fuck. I forgot that my digital camera got stolen. Mother fuckers. Gutta work on that. Also, work on getting a computer.

- Remember when I used to post party reports? I should go back to that. This is a party blog, after all. That was fun! I think that was when people still read my blog. I dont think anyone really reads it anymore. Its probably has to do with that not being funny anymore thing. D'oh. oh well!

- Smoking weed in a tent is fucking tit.

- I really, really miss the hot tub. So many fucking awesome and epic nights ended there. we really gutta get on finding a new one guys. well, there is one i know of, its just not walking distance from our houses anymore. Maybe its finally time I start riding a bike regularly. I really love hot tub parties.

- Drugs are cool. Working sucks. Babes are tight. Puppies rule.

I feel like that last line should be on my tombstone or something. It is like the ethos of my life. (haha i just used the word ethos.)

DA TROOF:

2011-04-13T15:16:00.000-07:00

Here are some things that are TRUE about me:

- I get really, really bored when I stay in one place for too long. My brain is always thinking about what else I could be doing, where else I could be seeing, who else i could be kissing, etc. Its not that I don't love the people and places in my life, cause I do SO, so much but it always feels like something is missing. I'm just not sure what it is, and my instinct is to keep traveling around and experiencing things until i figure it out.

- I don't fit in anywhere. The crustys think im too hip, the hipsters think i'm too crusty. Mostly, everyone just thinks i'm weird. and i'm ok with that! cause its boring to be just like everyone else. i will wear colorful clothes and get shitty tattoos and wear dumb sunglasses and listen to blink 182 every day. i will love hot jamz and being dirty, i will drink as soon as i wake up and tell the world to suck it. cause its all about me being me. and never about me being you.

- my feelings get hurt really easily. i think most of the time, though, that people don't even realize they are being mean. or maybe they do and are mean to me cause they know i will forgive them. but either way, it hurts. especially when it is the people closest to you. i am of the belief that you should always try to be nice to not only those you love, but everyone. life is too short to be a dick!

- brody is the cutest dog in the entire fucking world. disagree and i will kill you! seriously. with my bare hands.

- i may seem kinda boy crazy on here, but im not really. okay, maybe a little. but you see the thing about me is, i was kind of a late bloomer. and it took me a REALLY long time to be confident with myself and my sexuality, then one day i was all "FUCK IT! i rule." a lot of people that have known me forever were all "kayla's gone wild!" but no, kayla has just grown up and i've learned a lot about myself and somethings about the world around me. i'm finally starting to get a grip on this whole boy/girl thing, sorta, i dont think anyone will ever have it down cause every situation and everybody is different, and i just like being honest about it. life is a constant learning experience, and how are we ever going to learn if we aren't open and honest about whats going on? things threaten my confidence every single day, and some days it is really hard to remember how awesome i am and that i deserve great things, sometimes its really fucking hard to say "fuck it", but luckily i have some good, strong, women in my life to remind me.

- mello yello is one of my favorite sodas. i really like soda. and candy. fuck i just remembered i have candy! ima go eat some now.

BYEBYE!

Remember when I used to write reviews?

2011-04-12T22:17:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm gunna do it again!!!!

Limitless:

This movie was such a piece of shit. Bradley Cooper is a jack ass. I am glad that this movie only costs 6 dollars, and that Colleen paid for me, cause it was so terrible. IT WASN'T EVEN ABOUT ANYTHING! do not waste your time. UNLESS! you are going to see it cause your friends are going, and you really like your friends and enjoy spending time with them no matter where it is, then go see it, cause like whatever dude... at least you got to be with your homies. and that is how my night went.

Not having any weed while being stuck at your parents house in the suburbs:

DO NOT RECOMMEND!!!! this is the worst. even worse than that movie up there. i just wanna be hiiiiiiiigh. shiet, kid. at least my puppy is here and he is snoring blissfully on the floor next to me. what a babe he is. he makes it all worth it. but fuck man, i really wish i had some weed.

Fuck, I was really hoping that I had something I could give a good review of but i cant think of anything at the moment. That is not to say that I am not feeling awesome and posi, cause I certainly am but... OH! i got one!

Hanging out with really awesome friends until 5am:

YAY! this is my favorite thing to do. Last night Colleen and I drove to Boston, on the way there we ate ice cream cones! it was fun and wholesome, we did so while listening to "uptown girl" and both had a good laugh at the situation. (we were stoned.) Then we went to go see our friend Spencer from Olympia play a show in Cambridge, he was good, but the rest of the situation was pretty awful. Whats with people with acoustic guitars thinking they can play forever? This one bitch was all "i only have 3 more songs left, and one is the longest song i've ever written!" and she seriously should have been done like 2 songs before that. JEESH. anyways, then we went to go see comanche play at the wacky castle in allston, and they were AWESOME! some dude in front of me kept farting though, and that was gross. afterwards we went to hang out with ben henry, jake and sean. it was super fun! at one point someone mentioned something about fireworks and colleen and i were all "WE HAVE FIREWORKS IN THE CAR!!!" so then we went to a baseball field and lit a bunch of them and it was COOL! i love fireworks. then we went back to bfh and jake's house and did some drugs, drank some beers, etc. we also watched music videos! it was a VERY fun night. there was cream soda involved at some point. and then at like 5, colleen and i went back to joeys and fell asleep on his couches. woooo monday!

ok,that is all i guess. BYE!

What are you gunna do tonight?

2011-04-11T14:46:00.000-07:00

TONIGHT I'M GUNNA PARTY!!!!

shit about shit and shit.

2011-04-05T22:12:00.000-07:00

It has been a long fucking time since I have posted in here. A lot has probably happened. A lot has definitely happened. I could easily just sum it all up with "sex, drugs and rock n roll" but I suppose I will give you a few details. Actually fuck it, Im going to skip all the in between bullshit and just give you some tour highlights!

- there was TONS of free weed!!!! (i was considering just ending the entire post there, but i suppose i will go on.)

- we saw some guy accidentally spray gas EVERYWHERE at a gas station in like georgia or some shit. it was the funniest thing i have ever seen. it was just like that scene in zoolander.

- sxsw was the best, as usual. got to see TONS of homies. almost everyone i wanted to see! (almost). did some drugs, drank way too much all day long, got a free tattoo of a sailor jerry skull on my arm (haha), ya know... the usual.

- favorite cities: portland, seattle, moscow idaho, austin, philly, oxford mississippi, chicago and auburn alabama. but really every show was fucking amazing and a great ass time. oh also columbus south carolina, and gainesville! fuck, i love it all.

- some kid in like virginia or some shit gave us 2ce for free. we did it in philly along with acid, and smoking this crazy bark/barn shavings shit that was likened to dmt. it was nutso. and awesome. i had A LOT of fun this night. i just wanted to curl up in a little ball and be small and cozy. and that i was.

- we got to go to the subpop offices in seattle! it was so cool. got to meet some bigwigs, get some free things, see the nirvana platinum records and shit. it was preeetty rad. hardly art has a painting colleen did of her and i smoking a j hanging as like the sign to their office. i felt special. hardly art fucking rules, everyone there is awesome and i am so happy that they are the ones who signed colleen.

- there was also lots of babes. but after making out with a few of them, i am just left feeling kind of weird. i came to this weird realization while on tour that i actually want to be dating someone. i haven't really felt that way in a long time. but in Philly i took A LOT of drugs, and listened to Willie Nelson for a ridiculously long time and it made me contemplate things. That sounds hilarious, but it is true. My heart ached because I knew that no one's heart was aching for me. and that is sort of a devastating feeling. I kissed a boy I shouldnt have in Austin when I was near black out drunk. That sucked. then i also slept with a boy in austin, it was whatever. i dont really have any feelings about that. he was clearly just trying to get back at his girlfriend who had broken up with him that night and i did not know about. i met a boy in chicago who i thought was perhaps the most beautiful boy i had ever seen. ever. i still think that. god damn he is so hot. all i wanted to do was kiss him for a very long time. we did kiss, but then we stopped because he had a girlfriend. (see a reoccurring theme here?) this one stung the most. he also lives far away, so it would be sort of impossible anyways. but hes just so rad, and such a fucking babe. sigh. i fell in love. he was very nice and respectful in the situation though, and his girlfriend is a lucky lady. the last boy that i had some sort of anything with though left me feeling the weirdest. he was the one that made me come to this weird realization about myself, that i feel like im just some fun party girl that boys end up cheating on their girlfriends with cause i am care/drama-free and they think its easy, but they never want to date me. and that is a terrible feeling to have. i know that i project an image of that of a homie, which i am to the core, but i also just wanna like... be loved and shit. ya know? oy vey.

- there was also tons and tons of really cute puppies and silly kitties. and every single one of them that we met was awesome! also, all the humans we met were tight too. lots of waffle house. lots of beer. so many laughs. so much fucking fun! YAY! i wanna do it again.

- now i am in boston, which is awesome because i love everyone here. but also feel as though i am ready to get back to oakland. and hop right in that knifey spoony van and go on tour again! life feels better in motion.

Get Money, Get High

2010-11-12T11:51:00.001-08:00

I am about to embark on a fairly epic journey of sorts. Train hopping and hitch hiking to Denver, where I will get a 25 dollar flight to New York. Then working in New York (city? state? im not sure! i think its city. i hope its city...) slanging Christmas trees. Should be interesting, definitely going to be cold. Then home for xmas, then the Knifey Spoony east coast tour, then NYC for new years, back to boston for a few days, then iowa to see rayray's family (with possible stops in a few places), then back to Oakland! whew. It should be fun though, I'm mostly just amped to make a bunch of money in a short amount of time. Not tooooo psyched about the winter weather, but i'll make do. Hopefully there are hot boys there.

I've been getting to spend a lot of time with Colleen lately and that makes me happy! She was here, then I went to L.A. and now she's here again! YAY.

Its kind of a weird time for me to be leaving because i'm finally settling into my room at Locos, but homegirl needsa get paid. My room is no longer full of trash though! However, Earl the mouse is still afoot. I think he's cute, but I don't want him running over my face while I sleep.

The other night we had a spacebag/spaghetti party. i didn't eat any spaghetti but i sure did drink a lot of spacebag. (and whiskey.) and then i puked a bunch! i had also eaten a weed brownie, ima blame the puke on that. i keep trying to hit on this boy and only being slightly successful. he seems into it, but something holds him back. its been this way for months and months. whatevs. maybe we are better just as friends anyways, cause it could get messy with other people and all that jazz. he's just so damn cute!

How funny would it be if I came back from the tree job as a buff crusty? hahahaha. imagining it is really hilarious. the other day, crystal, nigel and i were taking bong ripzzz and laughing really hard at this idea. picture me with a dread mullet! and ripped arms! hahaha oh its so good. i would never do that though, dont fret my little ones.

I wish I had weed. Fuck that person that stole my purse with over $150 worth of weed in it. FUCK THEM SO HARD. but not in a sexy kinda way. in an ass rape kinda way. I just wanna take a bong rip. or 7.

This entry is boring. SOWWWWWWWWWY.

Cock Talk

2010-10-26T04:36:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I'm awake right now. I'm just sitting here in Erica's bed, wearing Erica's pajamas, and using Erica's computer. I've been facebook stalking people for the past 3 or so hours. Not really sure why, I didn't get anything out of it. No sense of satisfaction, no feeling better or worse about myself and my life, nothing. nada. zilch.

Life back in Oakland has been strange. I can never understand why boys are such a main focus in my life. Why do we all do this to ourselves? Focus so much on sex and relationships and all this bologna. Why can't we just be happy with what we have in front of us? I've fucked 4 boys since coming back from Montana. None of it really meant anything. It never really does. And thats not a bad thing, nor is it a good thing. I think I'd really like to sleep with a boy and have it actually mean something to me, but I can never seem to find him. I always think that maybe things will be different with this one, but they never are. Lets discuss:

Boy 1: I slept with boy number 1 twice right after getting home from Montana. He was nice and funny. I never expected to sleep with him, it just kinda happened. and I thought to myself after the second time, "oh, maybe this is a boy I can sleep with regularly." I didn't want anymore than that, I just wanted a boy to sleep with when it was convenient for both of us. But two days later he was trying to fuck just about any of my lady friends. Typical. I probably would have even slept with him again, after letting him make me feel bad about myself, and even after I proclaimed out loud to Crystal "never again!". Typical. But, I have not slept with him again and I try not to say never, but I think this one should stay in the "friend zone" for many reasons.

Boy 2: Oh, boy 2... he was brown, he was crusty and he was sexy. even with his bad facial hair. I met him at Victory. I was talking to Rayray and she was talking to his friend, he looks at me and says, quite quizzically, "who are you?" right in that moment, i knew if i hung out with him that night we were going to hook up. Lo and behold, he gets into the same car as me and away we go. We partied pretty hard at old punk rock tony's house and the next thing I know he is sitting in between his homeboy and myself looking at me like I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. then he kissed me. we kissed and kissed and kissed, and finally went downstairs and fucked for a really long time. everyone saw us, we didnt care. the cops came in the middle of it. the cops saw his dick, saw my tits, we didnt care. he kissed every part of my body. he made me feel like he never wanted to stop touching me. then finally we took a break and went upstairs to hang out some more, that lasted like 30 minutes and then we went downstairs to fuck again. he gave me a now and later, actually, he gave me two, one for now and one for later. we hung out the whole next day getting drunk, before he left he gave me 3 kisses and wrote down my address, said he'd be in town "a while." I figured that meant an actual while, but I forgot he was speaking crust punk language and that meant like 4 days. i saw him twice when he was supposed to already be gone, and the first time he could not have cared less. i felt like shit. the second time, he kept staring at me, kept lingering close by waiting for me to say or do something, but i was shy. and then we hugged goodbye and that was the end of that. at first i was kind of bummed, but really, i dont need any sort of attachment to a crusty, travel punk anyways.

Boy 3: I actually met boy 3 on the same night I said bye to Boy 2. Boy 3 is the hottest of the bunch and the best in bed. He is so fucking hot, and so funny, and has a big dick. Our hookup was sort of a set up through a friend, and sort of not. We hit it off though, and made out while watching freaks and geeks. and then we fucked for hours on the downstairs couch of my homies house. he was sweet, and we laughed and smiled and had a lot of fun. his smile takes up his whole face. i'm a sucker for a big, goofy, grin. he was the first boy in a long time that i actually wanted to attempt to hang out with again. i had this plan, i was even going to give him my number, but then in the morning we awoke on the smallest couch in the world, and i really had to pee. i crawled over him, and when i came back it would have been so awkward to crawl back into the tiny spot i was laying in, so i gathered my clothes and slowly started to get dressed. i couldnt find my underwear for a really long time, so stood around texting colleen and babyc for a while. eventually i found them, woke him up, kissed him goodbye and left without leaving or receiving a number. dumb. this boy was so, so cute. he told me i tasted like "bubble yum" and smiled every time i kissed him. and kissing him felt so right and so good. i haven't kissed a boy in a while that it actually felt right with. theres usually something off, but with him everything fell into place. i've only seen him once since and i blew it. per usual.

Boy 4: is a boy that I've slept with a few times before. i'm not really sure what my deal is with him because i'm not even super attracted to him most of the time. i like the way he talks. and hes nice, and funny. and he booty-texted me. i was sad about other boys, so i went for it. it was good, it was actually the best of the 3 times we've slept together. we had fun. but i don't know, this one definitely had the least feelings involved. this was primarily just getting my proverbial dick wet.

I don't even know where my head is at these days. My crusty superlove was in town the other day, and i think i said a combined total of 10 words to him. This is like my ultimate boy since moving to Oakland. the one that makes me nervous. makes me run away. but also makes me do things i never do, like drag him into a bathroom and make out with him hardcore. god, he's such a babe. i still have never slept with him, and i want to more than anything. i need to let him go though. its never gunna work out and i know it. thats the problem though, im so tired of it never working out. when will it ever go the way i want it to? what is it that i have to change?

honestly and sincerely, i just want a boy to be nice to me and mean it. for once.

Ramblings of a Girl with too Much Time on her Hands

2010-08-16T22:44:00.000-07:00

Being here in Montana has given me time to think about things. But the problem is, the more I think about things the more I realize I don't really have anything to think about. I have absolutely no idea what I want to be doing with my life. There is no boy I want to day dream about, no dream career, no dream place, nothing. Every time I try to picture myself in a job or with someone... I can't. I feel like I've never really had a dream that felt like my own. I've always had ideas, fleeting thoughts, but nothing really that stuck or felt right. I can't picture myself in any sort of career, the idea of a family kind of freaks me out, and I don't even have a creative dream to aspire for. I got nothing.

All I know is that I want to be happy. I want to have fun. I want to see the world. Traveling is something I love, but most of the time it doesn't even feel real. When I think about the places I've been it feels like I wasn't actually there. Like I'm making up this story about the things I've seen and the people I've met. Sometimes it feels like I'm not even living my own life.

I know I want to be loved, but its rare that I meet a person that I want to love me. Where is the smart, funny, adventurous, i-don't-give-a-fuck, tattooed, mustachioed man of my dreams? I don't think he exists. and thats ok, cause I'm not exactly sure he's what I want anyways. Cause simply put, I have no idea what I want.

Its almost kind of scary to watch the people around me strive for their goals, I often wonder if there will ever be something that I want so bad. Something that I want to dedicate so much time to, something that I aspire to attain. But I honestly can't see it. I can't see myself actually wanting to fully commit to anything or anyone. I think it has to do with my "theres always something better" complex I've acquired over the years. I'm consistently thinking "this party is cool, but what if the other one is better?", "this boy is cute, but what if theres a cuter boy in the other room?". I've never been satisfied with what is in front of me. Its always been impossible for me to settle. Impossible for me to choose anything, because I'm afraid of missing out on something better. How does one get over this? I don't want to settle, I want to find the best thing out there for me but... what if I'm missing out on the best thing because I'm looking for something else? Does that even make sense?

I don't know. I'm weird.

How much do you love Colleen?

2010-08-14T10:12:00.001-07:00

I can guarantee its not as much as I love Colleen. She is my best friend and I am so very proud of her. She is so pretty, and nice, and talented. and better than you! I realized the other day that nothing bad can happen when we are together. We are invincible as a team. Plus, look how cute we are together!

Hi Colleen, I love you! you rule!

Guess Whos Baaaaaack?

2010-08-11T11:09:00.000-07:00

I know, I know... its been forever. I'm sorry! But I have several good excuses/explanations. 1.) My computer got stolen! some mother fucker barged right up into my house and stole it while I was in L.A. WHAT A DICK! amirite? 2.) I was on tour for 5 weeks with Knifey Spoony and there ain't no blogging on tour. 3.) When I got back to Oakland, I still had no computer and I only stayed there for two days before running away again. Ok, so thats only 3 excuses but they are all good ones.

Anyways, currently I am in Montana at my sisters where I have all the time in the world to talk to you lovely 8 people that read this thing. I would like to tell you all about her dog Gordie, but he's out back and for some reason I am not strong enough to open the back door so I can't let him inside. This could be an issue, but I'm sure its fine. SO, Ima just tell you about tour:

Hmm, where to begin? This tour was so much fun, it was full of drunkeness, hookups with cute boys, new friends, tons of awesome adventures, and lots of laughs. here are some highlights:

- In Fullerton, Anie came over to me and handed me a pill and I took it! it turned out to be xanax, so i was super relaxed AND super drunk. it made steveo pass out in the van! Anie was so wasted and adorable. she made out with everyone! hahaha. then we went back to her and crystal's other friends house and had dance parties til the wee hours of the morn. it was fun!

- Las Cruces was magical as always. We got wasted all day long, even though the boys wouldn't go in on a 30 pack of BEER 30 with me. It says right on it, "Anytime is the right time!" but i couldn't sell them on it, so i just stole one from the pack every time we went back to the store. The show was very silly. knifey spoony was very drunk, steveo almost fell over while playing. TWICE! after the show we went to go to another party but on the way stopped at the town fire works. as soon as we got there, we all shotgunned a beer and threw our cans down right proper. then all of them started singing the star spangled banner and i immediately started puking. i yaked throughout the WHOLE song! then at the end i picked up my beer, took a swig and carried on. we went to the next party where we were awkward. i talked to some girl for a really long time about heroin. i think she thinks im a junky. that was interesting. we tried to have a dance party but the soundtrack sucked! then when we tried to switch the ipod we discovered it was CDS playing! how retro. i then tried to hit on this boy i think is cute (he makes his own glass pieces!) and failed EPICLY. it was rather hilarious.

- Austin was the most fun just as usual. It involved swimming in a river, an awesome show at trailer space where Spot gave me a SaltNPepa tape FO FREE, lots of drinking beer, drugs, swimming in a lake at like 3am (or was it a river? i dont know), watching a movie in which i have NO IDEA what happened, and getting down with a very cute boy. all and all an extremely succesful time. after Austin we went to FT. Worth. i ate 7 skittles and drank a lot. the show was reaaaaaaally fun. mikey got wasted and was writing hilarious things on the walls and shit. he spelt heroin wrong at one point and i laughed at him. then we slept in denton. i woke up in a room that smelt like cat shit with my head on a drum cymbal! but we did watch king pin, so that was rad. the next day we drove back to austin where we got tacos! my taco was good, but i was not very hungry because on the way back there i discovered i had a UTI! YAY! (seriously ladies, listen to your mama when she says to air out your bathing suit. and becareful when you go swimming in dirty water!) this shit sucked. worst timing. riding in a van for hours with a uti is the most uncomfortable thing in the world. sigh.

- Then we went to HOUSTON! If you remember from my last tour updates post, I hated houston. But now... I see the good side of it. (Note to self: Only go to Houston when Paul is there.) It was super fun this time! The bar gave us TWENTY drink tickets! there was no one there for the show, except for Paul and his two friends but it didn't matter. we all got super drunk. i got to play big buck hunter! i sucked at it... then we went back to Paul's parents house and i played with Maebaby! and his cute as fuck old dog, Nibbles. (heh. heh.) Everyone ate tons of mom food, and i looked at all of Pauly's baby pictures. He was very serious about Karate. and the cutest little dude ever. Also, his bed there is the most comfortable bed in the world. It was like sleeping on a cloud. with an adorable doggy at your feet.

- There was a lot more fun stuff that happened in the south. Athens, Chattanooga, New Orleans, and Asheville were all super rad! I loved all of those cities. and there were so many puppies everywhere!

- On the way to the show in Richmond I got hit by lightning!!!! Well ok, not exactly me, but the building I was leaning on got hit and it went through me! all of my arm hairs stood up! and i got a red mark on my arm! and i felt all jittery and weird! it was CrAaAaAaZy! Richmond was super fun too. we went to Cicis, swimming in a river, shotgunned beers, drank a lot of whiskey, and swimming in a roof top pool. Plus, we hung out with Bill Cosby (the dog)!

- The east coast was a wild ride. We stayed one night at Steveo's parents house, where I made a far better impression this time. I bonded with his mom over the sexiness of Bruce Springsteen's ass, and she showed me her portfolio of 70s rock show photos. It was incredible. The show in NJ was fun, and steveo and I went to party with homies after and that was raaaaaad. Kate and Mark rule pretty hard. I was so hungover on the train ride to the city the next day, i almost puked on several children. NYC was super fun too! it was a very drunk night spent laughing very hard. Jeff Zito and Pete were there!!! I spent a lot of time in the kitchen with them laughing extremely hard at every word that came out of Jeff's mouth. Also, there was lots of laughing at mikey's expense which is always fun. Then we ran away so mike wouldn't get raped by his exgirlfriend, and he and i slept on the floor of his homie's air conditioned room. the next day we got bagels! (duh. were in NYC.) and then made our way to CAMP POP POP.

- CAMP POP POP gets its own bullet point. Mike's family has a lake house in northern jersey that is AMAZING. they had like 8 boats! all different kinds. and millions of rooms. we all got super trashed and had a really great night. This time we got beer 30! (but it was light... BOO!) I fucked Mike's friend in Uncle Bobby's room. Uncle Bobby is the man. He is a failed comedian, and sounds like a wonderful human being. I cannot wait til the day I meet him. Plus, he has a really nice bed that treated me alright. The next day we went on the speed boat! It was fun! I didn't go tubing cause it seemed like a lot of work and i just wanted to sit on the boat and laugh at steveo and nate as they went flying off. it proved to be just as fun. After all the boating fun, it was time to go to BOSTON!

- We drove straight to my brothers house and I was already drunk! we smoked hella weed and chatted for a while. it was so good to see him and jared and everyone else. then the next day i went to dinner with my parents, and then it was show time! the show was so fucking fun. i saw so many beautiful faces that i love so much. and i got so drunk for so free! and i did so much adderall, i was a regular chatty cathy. after the show we went back to the space and hung out, and it felt like the real allston experience. haha. so much weed, so much adderall, so much drunk. i love you, boston. we had to leave at like 5am to go to pittsburgh though.

- The pittsburgh show was aight. afterwards we went to this capsized boat thingy and you had to climb a tree to get to it. getting to it was a piece of cake, and it was rad, you sat on a boat over a river and you had a great view of the city. however, getting back down proved to be a lot trickier. i was trying to slide down on my butt, you see, but since i don't wear pants... my underwear got caught on the tree! and i had to slide back up to get unstuck and in doing so, i lost my footing and went flying about 10ft out of the tree! into waist deep, dirty as fuck water. like grimey status. i was covered in grossness. it was pretty hilarious though. i am a ridiculous human being who ridiculous things happen to. this could have been embarrassing i guess, but mostly it was just really, really funny. and it was kinda fun.

- in Columbus, Ohio i fell in love. i met the cutest most awesome boy named Ryan. such a babe! such a sweetheart! in a rad band! i got really shy though. that always happens when there are awesome boys. some day i will see him again and we will fall in love and all will be right with the world. you'll see! sigh.

- the rest of the country was fun too. i can't really remember much. ummm... everyone in Denver thought we were SO cool (duh cause we are) and it was funny. there was a beautiful great dane there named Pegasus who i didn't even have to bend down to kiss. Provo was rad as fuck as always. we got drunk, got stoned, hung out with the homies and had a great ass time. Nato's band played a descendents cover set in Minneappolis and i danced and sang my little butt off, there was also HELLA bong ripzzz after the show. Twin Falls, Idaho was fucking righteous! those kids just wanna party and guess what? SO DO I! we got fucked up! so, so, so many bong rips! never ending hash smoking! but unfortunately we couldn't stay the night and had to leave at like 2am to drive to seattle. Seattle would have been righteous but i was suuuuuper sick and passed out in the van at like 10pm. i hate that! i wanted to party and it seemed like a really fun party, but we were all dead. bummertown. I did steal a bunch of awesome shit from the goodwill there though. Tacoma was aight, but i was still sickly.

- then Portland!!! I wish i had been feeling better in portland, cause i really, really wanted to party hard with all my homies. at first i was doing ok, we got some poppers and were laughing at shit, getting drunk, etc. but half way through the show i felt like dying and had to go lay down in the van. and then passed out as soon as we got back to adam's. i suck. oh wait! the first night though, we drank lots of poppy tea and got all relaxed and comfy first. that was nice.

That is pretty much the extent of my journey. I maybe left out a thing or two, but you get the idea. After all that was said and done, we made our way back to Oakland where I went straight to Crystal's bed. I spent the night hanging with her, Anie and Victoria smoking lots of weed and having ladies time. Perfect thing to come home to. The next night was Jay's bday at Geisha but I was feeling shitty, I tried to party but i like... couldn't even get drunk. it was weird. I cut out early and went to bed. The next night, however, I was back! There was ecstasy, molly, and coke involved... HELLO OAKLAND! I LOVE YOU! at some point in the morning, cause obviously I didn't sleep, Rayray (without much effort) convinced me to go traveling with her, but I got as far as Portland and realized I was tired. We spent the night in some homies' squat and the next day I made my way to Montana to chill at my sisters where I am now. Soon I will be back in Oakland, and back to my old self though!

So look out!

"Friends don't make houses, houses make friends."

2010-06-29T03:25:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here in the kitchen of the fullhouse house for one of the last times ever. I keep trying to get myself to blog my final fullhouse post, "the de-evolution of the fullhouse house" but I just can't seem to do it. There is just too much to talk about. So much has happened in this little house in the nearly two years that I've lived here. The only thing I think I can say is, thank you. Thanks for helping make this house a home. Thanks for making Oakland feel like the realest place I could ever live. Thanks for sharing all of these ridiculous memories with me. From the shows, to Taco Tuesdays, to birthday dance parties, to all of the nights spent barging through the door at 4am to bags of drugs and scrounging for beers-- I wouldn't trade any of these experiences for the world. I love this house and all that it has brought to me. I am leaving Oakland for 5 weeks, and while I know I am going to have the most amazing time and have plenty of crazy stories to share with ya'll when I return, sometimes its hard to leave a place that feels so right even for just a little while. Thank you to everyone for making the Fullhouse House everything it was; it will forever hold a special place in my heart. I can only hope that you all enjoyed it as much as I did. (Unless you're one of the homies that fell off the roof, in which case, I offer my sincerest apologies...)

R.I.P. FULLHOUSE HOUSE

To lighten the mood a bit...

2010-05-30T12:06:00.000-07:00

Its been a long while since I've posted a picture of my real father. Hopefully someone out there will find him and reunite us. fingers crossed.

TMI: A Moment of Sensitivity

2010-05-28T19:22:00.000-07:00

We are all so full of it. Does anyone really believe it when they tell themself that they don't want to be loved? Why do we even bother pretending that deep down we aren't secretly hoping that true love exists? I am so guilty of this. I have been saying that I don't want a boyfriend for years now. That I just want to get down and thats all I need. Sure, part of that is true. We all just wanna get our proverbial or not so proverbial dicks wet, but somewhere inside of all of us is a heart wanting some attention. It is just ultimately so much easier to pretend that a relationship isn't want you want than sit there and lament over the reasons why you aren't in one. I'd rather cast off the world in a "boys are stupid, throw rocks at them" rant than sit around feeling sorry for myself and wondering "whats wrong with me?"

It brings you back to the age old question, "why doesn't he love me?" Most of the time, it quite honestly makes no sense. To quote the ever so wise, Miss Beyonce "why don't you love me, when I make me so damn easy to love?" I think I've been asking myself that question since I was 12 years old. I spent a lot of years obsessing over my faults, and then seemingly over night I discovered I was awesome. I decided to start telling myself that I didn't want him anyways, and part of me truly believes it. I know I don't want to be in a relationship. At least not one that ties me down. I don't want to be the type of girl that stays in on a friday night to watch When Harry Met Sally while cuddling with my boyfriend on the couch. I want to be the girl that goes out on a tuesday and spends the night on the dance floor with her girls. That much is true. But theres this little voice inside of me, that also wants someone to go home with at the end of the party.

I just want a boy who loves me for who I am. One who will party with or without me til dawn, but when its all over grabs my hand and takes me home with him. A boy who doesn't mind me calling him at 4am for some late night booty after I've been out all night with the homeboys. But do those exist? Its so much easier to shut myself off from trying to find this boy all together than it is to get hurt by putting myself out there. Every time I think I've found this wonder boy, I'm not the girl for him. And it stings just as bad as it did the first time.

I've been told I need to put myself out there more. But whats the point of that? If he was into me, you would think he wouldn't fuck my friends... right? So, why not just brush it off? Smile, laugh, pretend not to care. No sense beating myself up over something I can't control. But maybe it is time I stopped lying to myself. So here goes:

I do want someone to love me.
I do want a boy to call my own.
I am secretly worried that I will never find "true love".
But no matter, I am still ultimately D.T.F.

Spirit Animal

2010-05-22T13:22:00.000-07:00

I always thought my spirit animal would be some really cute, really fun, lovable puppy. That is the animal I always identified with most. Like some sort of lab, or something. Or like this guy that wants to party. Cause lets face it: i'm excited all the time, i love friends, i always want to play and i pee a little when new people come in my house. Just kidding about one of those, you figure out which one.

ANYWAYS, I recently discovered, however, my true Spirit Animal. and that is one, Ms. Cyndi Lauper. No matter how cliche it may be, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" is totally my life's anthem. Its the honest to god or goddess or allah or whatever the fuck, truth that girls in fact, do just wanna have fun. Some boys DO take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world. Daddy dear will always be number one, and Mama it IS our turn to walk in the sun. Cyndi will always have my back. She is a crazy, silly lady and I like it. So colorful! and I am Rainbow Bacon, after all. So fun! We all know I love fun. So gay but straight! I've told you all before about how trannies love me, and how i love the dick. She is now and forever will be my true spirit animal.

I love you Cyndi, girl. Thanks for being awesome.

More like HollyWEIRD amirght?!

2010-05-19T16:53:00.000-07:00

L.A. is funny. just another city that looks like the rest of the cities. lacking in hot boys, just like the rest of em. However, not lacking in free comedy shows. and we all know if there is one thing I like to do it is laugh. especially when I'm on drugs. and it turns out, L.A. has drugs too! WEIRD! KEWL.

I want to fuck Chris Hardwick. Is that weird? I saw him tell some jokes the other day and I was all "hey boy heyyyyy" but like not really cause I didn't talk to him or anything silly like that. I just sat at a table drinking an over priced whiskey and coke, heartily laughing at his jokes about fucking a shoe. He no longer drinks, and because I am a selfish person, that makes me sad. Is that a bad trait? That I get sad when I find out people are sober? I just like, wanna party with them, ya know? Why's you have to go and be an alcoholic and fuck up your life, couldn't you just party like a normal person and keep it in check? JEEZ. way to ruin everything Chris Hardwick. how am I ever supposed to seduce you now? thats how sex works right? You both get good and drunk, and then one person seduces the other? and then you wake up in the morning and you're both all "uhh.. what? oops. ha..ha.." and then you RUN AWAY. perfectly healthy.

Veterans are always trying to give Colleen and I advice everywhere we go. There was the one sad one in Houston that told us we were too nice of girls to be in that city and we needed to get outta there as quick as possible! He even offered us money, even though he very clearly didn't have much. Then on the bus just last night a veteran kept offering us food. He really wanted to feed us. First he offered a chocolate donut, and then some bananas. We declined because we were on morphine. and there is no need to eat while on morphine, IMO. Then he REALLY wanted to get Colleen some new shoes. He said we could get off the bus somewhere and he'd buy her some. We declined again. THEN he wanted to hang out with us and get us high and show us the city. Colleen gave him a fake phone number. This guy would not shut up. He was EXTREMELY racist and very strange. I hope we don't run into him on the bus again, he gonna beat us for giving him the wrong number. probably with a belt!

Tonight I will get high and make shepherds pie. (I CAN RHYME!)

Tomorrow, however, I will go to another free comedy show. But this one is for PLAYBOY. I hope I get to see titties, and those titties buy me a beer.

On Location Blog: Colleen's Bed

2010-05-17T14:36:00.001-07:00

I keep finding myself in the bed of hot ladies! What a lucky gal, I am.

Currently I am in L.A., or how I like to call it, the city of Angels, where dreams come true, little people become big people and big people become little people. I have, however, not seen one damn angel yet. Unless you count this REALLY cute puppy named Tucker that I met. That is the second cute puppy Tucker I've met in my life. I like em, all right.

Being here has given more time to think about things, and that is not always a good thing. I keep going back and forth on this boy. Wondering if I blew it, or if he blew it or if neither of us blew and both of us are sitting in our respective homes wondering if the other one is thinking about us. But I will never know, I am sure. Such is my life. This one makes me feel like I'm in junior high again. I don't like that feeling. I'm over it. Whatever.

Add that to the list of things that I feel "whatever" towards. I find myself not caring about much of anything. Shrug it all off, cause what does it matter anyways? It doesn't. Who really gives a fuck about anything? Not me. I sometimes wonder what its like to be a person that cares about things like a clean house, an actual job, waking up early, etc. but then I really think about it and realize that I am just happier the way I am. The idea of stress, stresses me out. I'd rather get high. I'd rather have fun. I'd rather laugh. I'd rather dance. I'd rather travel the world. There is so much I'd rather do than spend my life caring about mundane details. I wish that more people would understand that what they want out of life is not what I want. That I choose to live my life a little differently and that is okay. Its not hurting anyone, I am doing good for me. I am doing exactly what I want to be doing. Yes, it would be nice to have more money or a stable relationship or whatever, but that is not all I'm looking for. Those aren't the things that make one happy. Sometimes you gutta be stupid to be smart for yourself. Does that make sense to you? Probably not. I just wish that people would stop projecting their own bullshit onto me. Live your own life dude, and I'll live mine just the way I want. This is not meant to be to anyone in particular, it just a common theme in my life that I get people telling me I'm "crazy" or "stupid" or some other derogatory adjective for doing things differently than them and I'm tired of it.

Who is the boss, anyways?

Whatchall know bout honesty?

2010-05-03T16:59:00.001-07:00

Honesty is an interesting thing. People get mad when you lie, people get mad when you tell the truth. What do you want from me? Do you want me to hide the fact that I like to party? that I like to fuck? that I like to do drugs? Do you want me to tell you that I sit in my nice clean home on friday nights and read Steinbeck? Cause I can tell you that, but it'd be no where near the truth. and then you'd probably get pissed I lied. But face it: I'm young, I'm dumb and I'm having fun. When it stops being fun, I'll slow down. But for now, long live the lifestyle I choose to lead. Here are some truths:

- I am at the same time, cripplingly self conscious and ridiculously self assured. I love myself, I think I'm awesome, there are even days where I think I'm a total fox but there are times that I question this confidence. Other people can easily make me feel extremely small. Sometimes I feel like I live in the shadows of those around me, waiting for my turn to shine. I hope that I do not forever feel like the lovable sidekick-- quick with a joke, a funny anecdote, sound advice, and a comfy shoulder to lean on. Someday, I hope to be the star of my own show.

- Truly, I would do anything for those I love. Whatchu need? I got you. Occasionally I do too much and get too little in return. But really, I don't even care about that. I don't do nice things for any reason besides you being my friend. I love you, you rule, you deserve the world.

- I just got "cock talk" tattooed above my knees cause its hilarious. It looks better when I'm on my knees, even though i don't spend much time down there. Unless I like you a lot, or am waaaaaaaasted. (hah! ladies...) People often ask me how I'll feel about my tattoos when I'm an old lady, and all I can think is "well... i'll be an old lady! who cares?" By the time I'm 90 (if I make it there) nothing will matter. You can do whatever the fuck you want when you are old. Including having a saggy cock on your knee. I don't really even care about much now. Its all about living in the moment, my friends. And I'd rather have this hilarious joke that I share with 3 of my best ladies, to look down on for the rest of my life then to wake up one day regretting never doing the things I wanted to do.

- I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen with the rest of my life. I only know what is going on right now. this second. And I am totally ok with that. Maybe there is fate? Maybe I will just end up somewhere? or maybe its high time I get my ass in gear, I'm not really sure. The only things that mean anything to me right now are my friends, music (and various other forms of art), and having fun. So hopefully I can just continue to live my life surrounded by those things forever. We shall see. Momma quit yo' worrying, I'll be fine.

- Wild Hogs is the best movie ever.

On Location Blog: Crystal's Bed

2010-04-28T14:53:00.000-07:00

Last night was weird. Or maybe its just me thats weird. I'm not entirely sure at this point. Life has become a whirlwind of drugs, vaguely familiar faces, and relatviely cute boys. Its not that last night wasn't fun, cause it sure was, but something felt... off? Lets recap and try to figure this out.

- There were the drugs. That often has the potential of making things weird. I felt like I could have done blow all night and not even been high. Which is strange, because I had already snorted some MDMA and was doing hella blow.

- Maybe its cause it wasn't the party of my dreams. Where was the room full of 20 hot naked boys? Where was the ultimate dance party? Where were the smiles on everyones faces? (Parisa - I could write a book on the perfect party. Maybe I will...)

- Speaking of boys. I've discovered that it sometimes feels like all any night needs to be a success is flirting with a cute boy. and ultimately sleeping with that boy. But that is bullshit. It shouldn't be that way. Some nights its not. Some nights all that matters is your homies and laughing til your faces hurt with them. Thats when life feels really good. When you can sit around with your best girls and boys and just all be in love with each other. Nothing feels better than that. So, then why does a night feel like a failure if you don't get laid? Perhaps it's some deep rooted need for a sense of validation. Maybe its because you just don't want to wake up alone. Or maybe there are those nights when you just need to lose your mind in something other than drugs. You need that escape from reality and into another person, to forget about the world around you and only see the eyes looking into yours, only feel the body on top of you, only care about whats going on physically and push out everything thats happening mentally.

- More on boys: I'm tired of boys who get weird. Look, the girl you fooled around with the other night when you were both drunk is not always looking to date you. It is not that easy to "dickmatize" us. (That phrase has recently come into my life, shout out homeboy.) We aren't all crazy bitches who assume just because we made out a little that now were a couple. Stop trying to make us feel bad or weird. I don't know how many times I have to say it, but sometimes sex or hooking up really is NBD. Its a mutual attraction, or a need for the touch of the opposite sex, or its just wanting to get your dick wet, whatever-- its not making love, its fucking.

I guess last night wasn't really different than any other night. I cannot pinpoint why it felt so weird. It was probably all that weird coke that was left on the table. At least we got to hear Kyle and Erik's rendition of "Kissed by a Rose."

Cigarettes, Cocaine, and Boys - Whats it all about?

2010-04-22T01:29:00.000-07:00

What is there even to say? Sometimes there just is nothing. Other times, my head is so jumbled with ideas, thoughts, memories, etc. that I just can't put pen to paper. Or in this case, finger to key. My mind gets so lost in the party that I can't put together the pieces of what I want to say. I'd rather live the moment then talk about it. But if I didn't talk about it, then how would you ever be entertained? So here are some high lights of since I've been home in Oakland:

- I have at least three new holes in my brain. Crystal does too.

- A few nights were spent wading in an ocean with warm waves crashing all around me. I wish I could forever be in that place. Especially the night where this was happening in my mind, and I was in a hot tub so it felt both physical and mental. The other night, it was interesting to feel so at peace with the world and be in the midst of a party at lokos. But that was the most wonderful I've felt in some time. Would do again. always.

- Cute boys who don't put out are intriguing. (Especially those whose pants your hand is already down...) Probably not worth it in the long run. But damn, he fine. Quit being such a tease, boyyyeeee. NBD DTF. work out your issues and get back to me.

- It is extremely easy to get really fucked up even when you have 2 dollars to your name. That 2 dollars has lasted me quite some time. But it just may be time I returned to the working man's world. Bummer. Thanks for holding it down while a sista was out, friends. I'll hit you back soon.

- Things have felt kind of weird lately. Everyone agrees. Times they are a changin'? Meh, its summer time. Shed your winter layers and forget about your problems. The sun is shining, the beers are cold and the clothes are skimpy. Lets smile and keep things simple and fun. Ok? OK!

- Sometimes even when you try to do nice things, you just can't win. A lesson I have learned many times. Whats the solution? Stop doing nice things? Naaaah, cause for every time you fuck it up, theres a time when you get something just right and it is actually appreciated. Thats the time that matters.

- Lil C and I made a shit ton of weed food with the intention of selling it on 420. Ended up eating most of it though. I couldn't talk by the time we got to Elis. Spent most of the time sleeping in a chair waiting for it to be time to go home. Sounds about right for 420. We just spent so much time standing around, waiting for things to happen, that we just kept on eating the weed food til we got to the point where we couldn't even muster out the words to try and sell it. Maybe next time.

- I had a dream that I found a bag of blow and shared it with Drake. He tried to snort it with a ziti noodle. Unsuccessful. Now I've had "I know way too many people here now right now, that I didnt know last year, who the fuck are y'all? I swear it feels like the last few nights we been everywhere and back, but I just can't remember it all, what am I doing? What am I doing? Oh yeah thats right Im doing me, Im doing me, Im living life right now man, and this what Ima do Till its over, till its over, But it's far from over" stuck in my head for a while now. It feels very poignant at this time in my life. Aint that silly?

Blahblahblah. I guess I really don't have that much to say. I feel like so much has happened, but I guess none of it was really that interesting. There was countless packs of cigarettes, at least an 8 ball of cocaine, various types of pills and powders, a case of 4 lokos, not nearly enough cute boys, and varying degrees of dance parties and successful shows.

This weekend needs to be sexier, saucier and sassier. For sure.

Lessons Learned on the Road:

2010-04-09T13:14:00.000-07:00

(This post initially was going to have pictures in it, but all of my belongings are in Crystal's car/living room so I can't upload any. Deal.)

- You cannot bring knives on airplanes. Especially not doubled edged daggers whilst in Texas. That shit does not fly there. They also are not too keen on weed pipes. Just an FYI.

- Cute boys are hard to come by in most cities. Whats up with that most cities? Where you hiding all your babes? Let me at em.

- Wendys can be the most fun place ever if you got your best friend, a bottle of whiskey, and some pillz. Possibly my favorite night of tour. 5 hours in a Wendys. or 4 or 3 I don't know.

- The Courtyard Marriot in Austin, TX has the most comfortable beds in the entire fucking world. Seriously dude, I have never slept in a more comfortable bed. (Bonus: Cute boy sleeping between you and your best friend. Free bag of weed. Score.)

- Morphine is a helluva drug.

- You should always make out with the cute crust punk boy when you have the chance. Don't wait! Why would you wait? Then you won't get another chance. Dummy!

- Houston is the worst fucking city. Everyone there is retardly stupid. (At least those that I encountered in my 10 or so hours there...)

- You never give a knife as a gift, it cuts the friendship.

- Go to hipster loft parties in NYC. You'll find free bags of coke on the ground! And then a man in a dress who plays in a really shitty band will freak out after you leave, because it was his bag of coke. (HAH-HAH you suck.)

- When you have a bag entirely full of condoms, you should use them.

- Don't miss your flight home. But if you do, get yourself a really awesome big brother who will take care of you and pay for you to change your ticket. I highly advise getting a fucking awesome big brother. They make life better.

- Hug puppies in every city. Little fucking cuties everywhere I look.

- Fuck responsibilities and money and bullshit, have fucking fun dude. Smile, dance, laugh, get fucked up, yell, party, love, fuck, do drugs, be awesome.

- Sleeping in a winnebago during a rain storm is both fun AND scary! A little chilly, you should snuggle with friends.

- Don't go try and see Andrew W.K. play an after hours show at a co-op during sxsw, it will just break your wee little heart. But if you do decided to do it, get some homies, a bag of coke, some weed and stand around in a corner for a while being totally confused by the mass amounts of douchey douchebags surrounding you.

- Take some gravity bong ripzzz at 8am in Philly. You're only young once, homes.

- Don't let a man named Steve who is really into electronic music take you ANYWHERE. he will definitely kidnap and bring you to Miami. Definitely. FREAK. (Aside: never trust anyone wearing a red hot chili peppers tshirt. never, I say.)

- This Rihanna song rules! Video is sexy.

God, I wish I looked exactly like her.

HELLO WORLD!

2010-03-15T17:37:00.001-07:00

I am currently stuck in L.A. The jizzy wisards forgot us here! how silly of them, huh? Its okay though, I think we are going to drive down south with a mexican man who is going to meet his "business partner" for a "meeting" near the border of Mexico. I hope he gives us free drugs. I bet he's nice. He sounded nice on the phone.

The ride from Oakland to L.A. was fun. The very cute crust punk boy I had a hot, rowdy, bathroom make out sesh with a few weeks ago accompanied us in the van. I love him because he always has weed and he always wants to smoke it. WITH ME. what a guy. I cannot wait to get Austin and find him, and fuck him. Thats the plan. Actually, that is my only plan for the next couple of weeks. Everything else is up in the air and I could give a fuck if it works out, but I really just wanna fuck the hot crusty boy. He has a cute little face, and a big dick. Just the way I like em. Plus, he smells kinda bad, has a funny hair cut, isn't tied down to anything, loves puppies and drugs. Oh, and he laughs at my jokes. My kinda man.

There have been so many drugs in my life lately. Sometimes I think I can feel the holes in my brain! Just kidding. sort of. I like it though. It feels good to be ALIVE. I hope this free drug train continues throughout my life. Also, I hope I find some vicodin soon because my wisdom teeth are causing me all kindsa problems right now. OUCH.

Anyways, this is a boring little update. But I have nothing else to do, besides take bong ripzzz and my weed is NEARLY GONE! so DEAL sucka.

If you wanna help me not die on tour you can paypal me money at: K.Cerretti@gmail.com OR help me find a ride from Austin, anywhere East. I think we've already found our way all the way to Austin.

I google imaged searched for cute crust punk and this adorable lil guy came up:

i'll take it.

I wanna get freaky with you.

2010-03-05T14:04:00.000-08:00

Everything is so fun, so fun. But something is missing. I have not had sex in like A MONTH. that is insane and unacceptable. I keep fucking up my own game. Over thinking this bullshit. It is a near proven fact that you only get laid when you aren't even trying to. Most of the times I wake up in a strange boy's bed, I think to myself "how did this even happen? sweeeeeeeeet." and then give myself a mental high five. I have been putting too much thought into it lately, blowing it all the damn time.

I just wanna get down with a really hot boy. A really hot boy that I can consistently fuck. How does one find a proper fuck buddy? A boy who wont get weird, a boy who won't stress if I decide to fuck someone else instead of him one night, a boy who will come over watch a shitty movie, drink a beer, laugh at my jokes and then fuck me silly. I want one of those. Where you at, awesome boy? Let's do this.

Creeps need not apply.

Its Cool Dawg....

2010-03-03T16:36:00.000-08:00

This is like one of those things in those shitty magazines that is all "Its ok to eat 3 bites of cake after running 8 miles earlier that day!" except for people who are not total douche bags.

Its Cool Dawg:

- to party way too hard every day and night to the point where you can't even write in your damn party blog.

- to take a shower with like 8 other homies while at a party and wake up in someone else's bed with someone else's tshirt on and have no clue where the fuck your clothes are. then take a bump of coke and drink some vodka and start all over again. without your pants. or bra. or tights.

- to quit your job just because you don't feel like going in anymore and then go on tour for 3 weeks with your homies.

- if you want to fuck a hot boy AND his brother and a few of his friends... or, if you already have fucked a hot boy and you still want to fuck his brother and his friends. its really not that big of a deal. homie love, ya know? keep it in the family.

- to dance the night away every night with your girls.

- to not sleep at home more nights out of the week than you do. especially if you dont have a real bed and its really cold in your house and you'd rather just cuddle with a homie. and have coed non sexy but a little sexy sleepovers.

ok, I've realized that this is just me trying to make it seem like all of my actions are totally reasonable and acceptable. Which, I do honestly believe them to be. I just want you to know that it is totally ok to party as hard as I do. The worst that happens is that you get some sore ribs and a terrible cough that all of your friends also have. The Oaklabosis.

But its cool dawg, cause you're feeling great and looking great. Just keep a smile on that pretty little face of yours and you'll be allllllright.

It's been too long...

2010-02-02T17:17:00.000-08:00

Thoughts on things and shit:

2010-02-02T16:47:00.000-08:00

Boys:

- They really like blow jobs and bacon. Ok, to be honest that is what Glamour magazine told me. which is obviously true, but I didn't need a magazine to tell me that under the guise that it was a SECRET. who doesn't like those things? I haven't even eaten meat (aside from that belonging to someone receiving their other favorite thing, hardy har har...) in like 10 years, and even I know that everyone loves bacon and blow jobs.

- Boys like to act like girls are crazy. But it is totally the other way around. They spin things to make the ladyfolks look nuts and feel nuts, but in reality we are being totally logical and sane.

- They don't understand that homegirls want to get down just as much if not more than them. news flash fellas: we like sex too. sex without commitment. sex with a boy we just met mere hours ago, whose name we may not even remember come morning. we ladies like to hook up on the fly just as much as you do. just cause we boned doesn't mean we have to start dating.

- They are really, really hot. and I love them. I can't imagine a life without boys in it. Shit would suck.

- Boys are good at being friends. They have your back. but no one will ever love you like your homegirls love you. If you have a dudefriend and he doesn't wanna fuck you, eventually he'll probably ditch you a few times for a girl he does want to fuck. But that is ok. Cause some times friends gutta be dicks in order to get some, and even though it sucks and you can totally get some without being a dick to someone you love, it is sort of understandable to see why this happens. Your boys do love you. Bros 4-lyf.

Relationships:

- So overrated. yeah, yeah, I get it... someone to love you and all that. But honestly, I am 23 fucking years old, I don't want to spend the "rest of my life" with anyone. I don't even necessarily want to spend the rest of my week with just one person. There is no need to get into some committed relationship at this point in my life. Or most people's lives. Have fun, sleep around, live your fucking life before you realize you're 45 with a fat husband and 2 snot nosed kids. Gross.

- Why do people act so weird when they start dating someone? Does it like make you lose all your fun genes or something? I get wanting to spend alone time with someone, and whatever but seriously... do you not like to party anymore? Bullshit. It is completely possible to be in a relationship and not lose yourself. I never want to find myself at a point wondering who I've become. I always want to be independent, strong, ridiculous and carefree. I want to always be able to party with my homies whenever I damn well please. and I never want to stop enjoying fucking. That shit freaks me out.

Life:

- really is what you make of it, dawg. If you are too scared to do shit your whole life, then you aint even living homie. Get out there and fuck some shit up. Kiss some babes. Tell the world to suck it.

- is so much better when you have Billy Baldwin's phone number and he texts you with "1-800-SUGGIT" after repeatedly pestering him for Stephen's phone number.

- would be even better if you just had Stephen Baldwin's phone number.

- should always consist of the following: dance parties, free drugs, attractive people, best homies, puppies and a complete disregard for anything serious, grown up or responsible.

Lessons Learned Through Partying:

2010-01-29T01:58:00.000-08:00

- You can actually get by on just alcohol and like weed cookies for at least a few days, despite what any sort of "respectable" person might tell you.

- Pauly Shore is the greatest comedic genius of our time.

- Partying with your friends all night long and then stumbling to work at some ungodly hour is way, way, way better than getting a reasonable nights sleep. Cause seriously homes, who really wants to be in their best form to work a shitty retail job anyways? Fuck a job, guy.

- Love your friends, Die Laughing... will always be the best personal mantra of all time.

- Shit does, in fact, happen when you party naked.

- There really are other fish in the sea. Incredibly drunk fish, at that.

- You really gutta loosen up. No one likes a debbie downer. Quit being a square, lose the tie and get down brothaman.

- It is better to be broke as fuck and have the most fun ever than it is to have money in your bank account and nothing or no one to spend it. Whats that girl, you ain't got enough for beer? Fuck it dawg, I got you. I would so much rather have all of my friends have a good ass time than care about how little money I have. Whether I have 20 bucks or 10 bucks, shit don't make a difference, I'm still broke. At least this way I get to hang with my homies and laugh at some shit.

- Everything is funny. Think about it dude, life is hilarious. Even the shitty stuff is so fucking funny. all of the time. There really is humor in everything, just like some douchebag once said in one of those teeny tiny coffee table books somewhere in the world. (On a related note: whatever ballsack that came up with "don't sweat the small stuff" was also correct.)

- The hot tub, no matter what time of night (or morning for that matter) it is, is always a good idea. Even though it makes you hungover as fuck and dehydrates the shit out of you, still a good idea.

- You will never be too old to do anything. Who said growing up meant giving in? Not I, my friend. I will continue to fight the man til the day I die. Which brings me to...

- Dying young is not such a bad thing. I mean I dont wanna die or anything, cause that would suck for a bunch of people but, whatever dude. The future doesn't look like anything to me anyways and my life line is hella short. So, I'm just saying, if I died tomorrow, take heart in the fact that I lived a fucking awesome life full of fun times, and spent it with people who loved me and made me smile every day. So just remember to like have a good fucking time all of the time. Smile dudes, you won't regret it.

- Not pumped up? Put on some Andrew W.K. My man will teach you how to love life. Or, try wearing my "whatever" hat for a few. It breathes new life into you.

- Hanging out only with attractive people makes your life so much easier. Then no matter who you wake up next to in the morning, you aren't bummed out!

- The only good thing Eddie Murphy has ever done is the following video:

I was thinking good good things about you...

2010-01-27T12:10:00.000-08:00

but I should probably just cut the shit. Cause it doesn't seem like you feel the same. I was the one who wanted to be casual, you're the one who made it feel like something more. OH WELL. I'm tired of doing all the work, being the aggressor all the time is getting old. If you want me, you can have me. If not, whatever, I'm not stressing no mo', ya heard?

Anyways I've had a fucking raging banger bender of the past bunch of days. There has been lots and lots of alcohol, a decent amount of drugs, several sexy boyfriends, fun as fuck lady friends, very little sleep and a healthy dose of dancing. Lets recap, shall we?

Thursday: Started off innocent enough, I worked, then Nate and SteveO picked me up and we went to Dan and Erica's to send Colleen off. Watched some TV, sat around, etc. Then Nate dropped me off at Zach's where he, Rachel and I drank a shit ton of beers. At one point a magical free burrito appeared and I ate it. We listened to so much pop punk and SUBLIME! it was wonderful. At like 730am Zach and I passed out. Rachel, on the other hand, had been asleep for hours. Rightfully so, cause at midnight it became her BIRTHDAY! and homegirl could do whatever fuck she wanted!

Friday: Awoke still very drunk at Zach's. Rachel and I walked down Telegraph trying to find breakfast but apparently they don't believe in that kind of thing in this fancy part of Oakland. It took us so long to find a breakfast place! We finally found one, and the waitress tried to make us share a table with "Roxanne". We fumbled about for a minute and then Rachel said, "I think were gunna go outside and think about it..." So we giggled and ventured back out into the street where it was safe. We both agreed that we were too drunk to be in there anyways, and I informed Rachel that I scoped the menu and all they served at this mother fucking place was JAM anyways. Homegirl needed some potatoes or something, jeeeez. We stumbled down to another place, ordered and ate a delicious breakfast over giggles and talk of our silly dads. On our walk back home we came across a luscious green field in which we frolicked and felt as though we were tripping on mushrooms. It was beautiful and wonderful. We eventually parted ways because it was nap time, ya'll. I accidentally slept til 430pm, therefore missing the bday pizza party part of the night. AND THEN IT WAS PARTY TIME! the party was silly and awesome and so fun. People kept giving me presents because they thought it was my birthday. I GOT SO MUCH STUFF! it ruled. eventually I tripped on mushrooms for real, which was awesome. Here are some highlights:

- Rachel passing out at like 830pm before anyone even showed up really. Then getting a second wind, then passing out again, then getting a third wind!
- Crystal, Ashley and I each taking turns carrying around a semi-passed out Rachel because she didn't want to go to sleep and miss her party. So we weekend at berniesed her ass. thats what friends are for.
- Gabe puking on my couch TWICE! <3. but it was all booze, so like, there wasn't even anything to clean up.
- Having to save Danny from getting raped by a boy in my very own bed! (hahahahhaha)
- Waking up in the morning to find two dudes I don't know asleep on our couches, and Justin asleep on the floor under the dirty as fuck rug.
- There was so, so much other fun stuff that happened, but its all a little foggy. good ass party.

Saturday: This was one of those lost days. I woke up, let Danny out, laughed at Justin under the rug and then found Rachel, Crystal and Nate asleep in the front room that is soon to be Zach's. Crystal went to the store and bought a couple 40s, I found a mostly full 4 loko on my window sill, we started to get drunk. It was 10am. Eventually we went back to the store, picked up a 12 pack and 2 bottles of champagne and headed to Crystal's for breakfast party. We woke up Ashley and Kyle and made them start raging with us. Dan and Nick also came over. We ate some food, and drank some drinks. Crystal and I hung on her ledge for a while and it was very nice. Someone went back to the store and got us more beer and wine. We were tanked by like 1pm. Crystal, Rachel and Nick all took naps at some point, and Nate when to band practice. Ashley, Kyle and I continued to rage (just the three of us, we can make it if we try... just the three of us, you guys and i.) The ladies and I formed a band called Snowbunny, it is a Nobunny cover band but we are going to change all of Justin's lyrics so that all the songs are about coke whores. Nigel is also going to be in the band, because we love him and need someone with real talent. There were so many more trips to the store involved, as well. Ashley and I even got 'quaked. We somehow made our way to the Shannon & the Clams show, where everyone was decidedly not as drunk as us. Rachel passed out immediately, Crystal did eventually, and apparently at some point I fell down because I awoke with skinned, bruised knees. This night ended in Taco Bell, obviously. It would have been perfect, had I not got hot sauce in my eye.

Sunday: I awoke in my bed! How did I get here? (Thanks Nate...) I had to go to work for 230. I got there and realized that I had NO VOICE. After an hour of working my boss said, "Kayla.... why don't you just go home?" So I did. Nate and Alyssa met me on my walk, and we went to trader joe's. Nate made us delicious stir fry. Then we much later made our way over to the lokos house for Gabe and Danny's bday dance party. Twas a cute lil gathering involving dancing, drugs, and dudes. Three of my favorite things... This night would have been absolutely perfect if my jacket didn't mysteriously smell like cat pee now. Oh well, I don't mind that much, sometimes you gutta sacrifice a few things to have a good time.

Monday: was spent sleeping on my couch. Thank you Jesus for that. I still had no voice though. Nate and Crystal brought me a delicious taco at like 11pm, we got really stoned and sat there in silence for a long time. It was much needed down time. We attempted to watch Fast Times at Ridgemont High but I went to bed. I dunno what happened to the other two.

Tuesday: I bummed around all day, then Erica picked me up and we got pizza. Afterwards we met up with SteveO, Lisa, Cody, Barker, Caitlin and Kari at BOWLING!!!! I suck so fucking bad at bowling. It'd be embarrassing if I was the type to feel shame. Luckily, I am not. Erica is the queen of the bowling alley. Girlfriend knows how to knock them pins down for realz. After this, Barker dropped SteveO and I off at his house, where I was meeting Molly for a Mariah dance party. We listened to the jamz and talked about boyz over some babycham. I walked home at 3am, slightly feeling like a chump, but mostly over it. Some man offered me a ride. I can never tell when I get offered rides if its some sneaky way of asking if Im a prostitute or if these strange men are generally concerned for my well being. I'd like to hope its the latter, but I feel as though that would be naive of me. Oh well, I politely declined and went on my way without a hitch.

There are certainly ups and downs in my life, but all in all I lead a mother fucking good one.

This photo is titled "Dudes Dancing":

I think homeboy in the back just shit himself.

Are speed flashbacks a real thing? No Reason.

2010-01-21T03:47:00.000-08:00

Sometimes even I am amazed at how fucking fun my life is. I am so glad that I am at a point in my life where I can let stupid shit like tripping ass boys just roll off my back. Cause all that really matters is the smiling faces of my homies. I don't care 'bout no boy, I got fly as fuck friends who want to dance and love me and have the best time ever and that is all that matters in this world. The only two things that made me pout at the Stork Club dance party tonight were the following: I missed Mariah, and Push It got cut short. (Mollygirl, you may truly be the only one who understands my pout.) Otherwise I am so glad I made it there, albeit fairly late, I made it. and I boogied with some babes.

Also, Rachel walked me home and on our way we passed a taqueria that just reopened because a few months ago a car had driven through it (its dine in only, dawg.) When that first happened in like July or something, I found it to be hilarious but fairly believable, drunk drivers and all... but tonight on our walk past it we saw that a car had run right through it AGAIN! What is the meaning of this? What have the people who own this taqueria done to make people want to continuously drive cars through their business? I hope I never upset someone so much that they repeatedly drive vehicles through my taqueria. But maybe, just maybe, homeboy really wanted a taco and was a little overzealous. I'd like to believe that to be true.

Friday night is going to be insane, in the best way possible. It is Rachel, Gabe, Danny AND Laura's bday party at my house. My walls may crumble and that is totally okay with me. I am glad to be able to house a ridiculous party for awesome homies. It gonna get silly. More on that once full details are available. (ie: if I am still alive and I still have a house to post from, you will get the low down on the dirty wild thymes.)

Today I used a barnes and noble gift card and bought the following DVDS:
1. Don't tell Mom the Babysitters Dead
2. A party pack DVD thing featuring: BioDome, PCU, and Back to School
3. Kindergarten Cop
4. Phil the Alien

I am so excited about all of them. I have no fucking clue what Phil the Alien is, but the front cover features the main actor who looks like an even more retarded version of Chris Kattan who is the retarded version of Jimmy Fallon, so it will most likely be the best movie I've ever seen. I fucking love Chris Kattan. What a hilarious and silly man.

Sunday Night Blog, like Monday Night Raw but less Gay.

2010-01-11T01:03:00.000-08:00

or maybe more gay? I can't be entirely sure. What I do know is that my blog is seriously lacking in men in spandex.

The bartender at the Stud looks exactly like Jake "the Snake" Roberts.

You know, the reason why I always miss trash day is because if I put the trash out at night, someone will probably go through it or like steal my bins or something. And I don't put it out in the morning cause who the fuck is up at 6am when the goddamn trash dudes come? Not me, I can tell you that much mister. But tonight I was like "ya know man, FUCK IT! I'm putting the trash out." Cause like we've missed it the past 3 weeks and we had a fucking awesome party last night (more on that later), so there was tons of shit. I was even nice and separately bagged almost all of the bottles and cans and put them on the sidewalk so that people wouldn't go through my shit. But obviously someone took those ones right quick, and now some mother fucker is currently, right now, as I'm typing this, dumping out my recycling and trash bins all over the fucking sidewalk in front of my house. Tomorrow when I awake, the sidewalk will be covered in shit and homeboy will have gotten his crack fix. I am doomed to never have a proper trash day.

Annnnnywho, this weekend was FUN! I will tell you about it now.

Friday: uhhh... I already forget. NO! I remember now. I went to work, which sucked a ball sack. Then Nate, Colleen, Lilly and Jose picked me up. We went to Jose's house and did some drugs. Then we went to go see the mother fucking DASHING SUNS at the Uptown. They rule. I love them. I drank two drinks very quickly and then we bounced cause that place was full of weird old people. Then we went to the liquor store where I bought a 40 and the liquor store man tried to hit on me. (I have come to realize that I am destined to marry a liquor store clerk. they are the only men who truly love me.) Nate and I dropped Colleen off and then went to lokos. I dunno, I guess some bands played. I vaguely remember dancing to one or two of them. But there was a lot of weed food and various other things in my system at this point. I giggled for like two fucking hours with Crystal though. That was pretty sweet. She thought someone stole her sneakers. Hilarious. Just when we thought the night was going to end, it was HOT TUB TIME! it had been so long. I missed you my sweet, sweet hot tub. But like, Gabe, Molly and I took so long to get there that Lisa fell asleep and, Nate and Crystal had already gone there and left because we didn't show up. What did take us so long anyways? Anyways, the three of us went and were in there til like 730am or something silly like that. Then we stayed up til like 10am watching various r&b princess videos. It was cute. This night gets like 9 thumbs up, if I had 9 thumbs all of them would be up.

Saturday: Slept til 4... came home, did nothing. Then it was show time! Wildlife, Prizehog, and Borneo played and they were all awesome and loud and stoned and hairy. Shit was tight. I LOLed secret LOLs that kept me LOLing all day today at work. (Was that too many LOLs? is it weird and not funny? like the LOLocaust?) I made the wrong choice and decided to go hang out at SteveO and Lisa's, but like as soon as we got there I realized my mistake and was all "fuck! why didn't I just stay home?" and then I had to walk home all by my lonesome. I chose the wrong adventure dawg, I shoulda turned to page 56 for bedtime.

FYI: I am currently wearing a blue hoodie that Nate and I lied about being his to some girl the other day. Now it is mine and it RULES. High five for that one buddy.

Boys Be Trippin'

2010-01-07T12:50:00.000-08:00

Seriously homeboys, whats your deal? I am irked. One minute you're all "you are so beautiful, you are so awesome, you are the best most wonderful princess in the whole world, i want to marry you and kiss your feet, adfkljdasjf;a" and the next you're all "MEH." Cut it out. It's annoying. I can't possibly wrap my head around these boys in my life. Perhaps, they just enjoy the chase and now that they know they can sleep with me, they don't want it no mo'? I mean, I guess that makes sense. But at the same time, don't you just wanna get down? I just wanna get down. I don't wanna be your beautiful princess wife. I just want you to want me. I do not enjoy feeling stupid, so stop making me feel that way. Cause like, you (all of you) don't really even matter to me on some deep level or some shit, it just like hurts my ego.

All my dude friends are always like "girls can have sex whenever they want" but that is not true! I mean, OK, I can go find a random crackhead on the street and fuck him, but so can you. It should be much easier, according to you boys, to sleep with a boy that I have already slept with than it is. Like, HELLO! obviously you can get laid tonight... whats the deal? Maybe its me. But for the sake of my already slightly bruised self-esteem, I'm gunna keep to the idea that homeboys be trippin.

None of this really matters anyways because out there somewhere, my boy, is patiently awaiting to meet me and sweep me off my feet.

2009: a year in review

2009-12-31T15:30:00.000-08:00

HOLY SHIT! what a fucking year this was. I think it might be my favorite year out of all the years I've lived. Maybe. It started off a little a rough, a little confused and lonely, but ended in the best way. The only thing I would change is that I would bring Colleen back to me, healthy, well rested, and ready to rock. Some highlights:

- Two week tour with the Have Mercys. This was so, so, so fun. We met many awesome friends. Hung out with many awesome friends we already knew. Had the best time ever. Got the most drunk. Laughed the hardest. Danced the most. Loved each other. What a great fucking two weeks. I love you guys.

- Countless awesome totally fun parties. the past couple of months I have met some really fantastic people who know how to have a good time. Really, thats all I'm looking for in life. A. Good. Fucking. Time. and I've met some people that share that philosophy. I have a feeling things are going to continue to be great.

- Living in Oakland has seriously changed me. 2009 brought about a confidence I did not know was inside of me. I am more outgoing and more carefree than I have ever been. This place is beautiful and wonderful, and I am so glad I live here.

- This has also been the most promiscuous year of my life. Which, I think, has something to do with the new found confidence. Confidence makes you sexy, and getting sexy makes you confident. Cali boys know whats up. I've gotten down with some babes, and its been reaaaaaaaally fun. Maybe in 2010 I will try and get down with one boy exclusively for a while, but I don't really know about that. I have a hard time conceiving the idea of myself in a relationship. Perhaps I'll meet a strapping young fella who will sweep me off my feet though. Who knows!

- I also did a lot of drugs this year. but in a good way. most of them were free, which RULES! big ups to everyone who gave me free drugs.

- Saw so many fucking awesome bands. some favorites include: Nobunny, Hunx& his Punx, Street Eaters, The Splinters, The Dashing Suns, Shannon and the Clams, Purple Rhinestone Eagle, Stupid Party... actually I can't name all of the awesome bands I saw cause that would make this shit like 10 pages just of band names.

- Had so many awesome shows in my god damn living room. Its the best being able to put on a good show for your friends. Especially when touring bands are in town and you have the best party for them and everyone is happy and has a great fucking time. Nothing makes me feel better than being able to accommodate my friends that are on the road and to be able to show them the best time in my new city. It makes me feel a part of something real, something awesome, and I'm so thankful that I got to do so much of that this year. Let the good times continue in 2010 and come fucking thrash in my living room.

- Seeing Blink 182 with SteveO. we hopped up and down in the rain and sang along and it was the best. I love blink 4-eva.

- Burn turns in the van while listening to the dashing suns on repeat. best times spent with the best homies.

- Just this week going home to Boston, and my friends having an awesome homecoming show for me. The fucking place sold out. they let 25 extra people in, and people STILL got turned away. Thank you for loving me, Boston. You will always be my home and my heart. All of the best bands played, and I did not stop smiling the whole time. I squealed so many times that I lost my voice and RyanZ and BenHenry had to scream "MONSTERS!!!!!" for me while Now Denial played. <3

- Family dinners. Taco Tuesdays. Bowling. Lanesplitter lunches with Erica. All of the feasts. China Hut lunch specials with Colleen. Food, fun, and family, dawg.

- Parties (that always turn into dance parties) at Quarter Century, Apgar, Paradise City, Fullhouse House, Ghosttown, etc. etc. and meeting all of the people who have made those parties possible and have made them so fun. i plan to snoopy dance my way all the way through 2010 and hope all the same characters are right by my side.

- Getting a party tattoo. Telling my dickhead boss to fuck off. long live the party, long live the fun. never take anything too seriously.

There is so, so, so much more I am leaving out. 2009, you my homie. You treated me well. I can only hope your boy 2010 shows me the same love.

Some Words of Advice:

2009-12-22T03:26:00.000-08:00

1. You should probably party harder. Like, party as hard as you think you should, and then push it a little further. You need to have a high GPA (Great Partying Attitude, of course). I don't know man, get wacky, wil out, have a damn good time. You deserve it.

2. No matter how hot you think a boy is, you should never, I repeat never, choke another girl out over it. Especially a nice girl who is friends with said boy and just was singing Blink 182 songs with him. I know, I know, homeboy is fly as fuck, but girlfriend sometimes a dude just wants to listen to the Descendents with his homie. Get the fuck out my kitchen. and by kitchen, I mean not my kitchen but rather locos only.

3. "Quit your job, get out while you can." - Don't Tell Mom the Babysitters Dead. I have never heard sounder advice than that right there. The dishes are done, man.

4. Do not have cocaine, and only cocaine, for dinner. Or else you will end up rollin in heaven with Brittany Murphy. May God, Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior rest her soul. You can have a little cocaine, but think of it as dessert. Have a pot roast, maybe a little spaghetti or something, and then blow a few or 20 lines. Have at it kid, just like, be responsible about your addictions.

5. Always, and I mean always, make out with cute babes. Babes make the world go round. (Side note: My life has had way more babes in it since starting this blog. I think it means something. This blog has served its purpose. It has brought me the babes. So, by extension I advise you to start a blog and then make out with babes.)

6. Dance. Never be the person at the party watching people dance. Just fucking do it man. You will look cool, I promise you. Turn up the jamz and fucking turn in Beyonce, dawg. You got hips, and those shits don't lie. A beautiful wise woman once told me that. Hips, dips and fingertips doggy.

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome back, lets party.

2009-12-17T23:26:00.000-08:00

Making Mix Cds While Stoned: This is a pretty cool activity. I support it. I'd give it 6 thumbs up if I had em. I hope the person likes this. I don't really know what kinda music they listen to, its a random trade thing, but like as of track 2 this thing already rules IMHO. Anabel came into the house and I was just sitting in the kitchen alone smoking a bowl and making a mix. She LOLed at me. It is going to be fun living with her. but i DIGRESS, this is a cool thing to do. you should do it too. preferably one for me which you then mail to: 3147 filbert st. oakland ca 94608. I wholeheartedly welcome tapes.

Buying Tons of Really Awesome Records and Not being Able to Listen to Them: This one is bittersweet. Cause like the actual purchasing of the records was awesome. I went to 1234 Go with the intention of getting a specific record for someone, and then maybe another for someone else. But.. I ended up with the following for myself:
1. Bruce Springsteen Nebraska
2. Bruce Springsteen The Wild, The Innocent & The E Street Shuffle
3. The B52s Whammy
4. Beach Boys Best of the Beach Boys
5. Squeeze ArgyBargy

and oh man, the ones I bought other people are so good to. But I can't mention them here just in case they see this. I bought Joey like 5, and Nelly 2. I wanted to keep all of them. Now for the shitty part: I can't listen to them because my receiver lives in Boston and my record player and I live in Oakland. Fucking balls, dude. I need to remedy this shit. Also, I never got the specific album I was going for. I couldn't find it, which is like the strangest thing cause the band is on that label. whateverrrrrrrr.

Ok, thats enough of that. Have I told you about how people treat me differently when I wear my whatever hat? I got accused of stealing the other day on Haight St in a little dress boutique that I have bought exactly 3 dresses from. Bitch patted me down and everything. Lots of people on the street look at me funny. People are not as nice to me. Its weird! Way less creepy old dudes hit on me. Some people are like "cool hat!" or "whatever!" at me, which is fairly hilarious. People are so fucking weird.

Note to self:

2009-12-16T13:19:00.000-08:00

You wear the pretty dress because it makes you feel good.
You make your hair look nice because you like the way your reflection looks in the mirror.
You go to see the band because they make you dance.
You dance because it makes you feel like the superstar you are at heart.

All of it is for you.
None of it is for him.
So it doesn't matter if he didn't notice, because you had a good time anyways.
And you sure did look fly.

Britney knows whats up.

2009-12-15T00:35:00.000-08:00

Never satisfied. always wanting more, more, MORE. This party is cool, but the other one might be better. That boy is cute, but there is probably a cuter one somewhere. I want it all to be mine. Why is that too much to ask?

Gimme, gimme, gimme MORE.

Weekend Update: like the SNL skit, but not.

2009-12-14T12:38:00.000-08:00

Last week was so crazy and fun. Let's recap, shall we? Of course we shall, its my blog, dick.

Monday: You've already seen how fun Monday was.

Tuesday: this was the only day all week that I did not go out. I worked and that shit sucked. then i came home. i dont really remember tuesday.

Wednesday: oh man so fun! it was my day off. I got high and did nothing, then I met Rachel at Eli's where we consumed working man's specials which consist of whiskey shots and olympias. Next, we went on a mission to find the new Blue Raspberry 4 loko. we ended up having to go all the way to the store next to quarter century michael jordan, but we got our blue razzz. went back to my house, got razzamatazzed, listened to some bumping jamz and then went to the show at the Stork Club. This show was really fun! Nate and I got large beers at the store for $1.75 so we didnt have to buy the ones at the show for $4.00. SMART! I got drunker than intended this night. I kinda blew it with a boy that I want to go on dates with. He's so cute, I got nervous. Which is dumb, because I've already seen him naked. Anywho, then I almost got in a fight with a purple mohawked idiot. He lives with my homie and works at the S.C. when I shook his hand he said I gave him "mean face" and that my band "could never play a show there." i LOLed in his face. This is funny for many reasons:

1. Have you seen me? I don't have much of a mean face. I tried to give it to other people and they laughed at me.
2. If I was even remotely giving this fella a mean face it is because I was previously told that he BEATS HIS DOG, and therefore I was doing everything in my power not to just kick the piss out of this huge piece of shit.
3. Um, I'm positive I could book any show I want at the stork club.
4. What a joke this dude is.

Thursday: After work I went to the show at Apgar. When I first got there the only person I knew there was Nate. A bunch of friends showed up though and it got awesome. I believe this is the night I got 'quaked. Meaning, I drank a beer called Earthquake (I've been on a mission to drink all the weird 12% beers at the corner stores.) There was some dancing and some partying. Some people did some crazy things in the kitchen and it got weird for a minute. Then I fucked Nate's roommate again. It was cool, but not as good as the last time. He's a very nice boy. I slept over and on my walk home a man said to me: "AWWWW. hips, dips and fingertips girl!" and it was cute.

Friday: I worked until 10 and then walked straight to Apgar for party night two. There wasn't that many people I knew at this one either. Nate and I got REAAAALLLY fucking stoned and couldn't leave his room for like over an hour. I tried to convince him to pretend he has amnesia and get this girl he thought was cute to take him on 50 first dates. I was going to video tape it and present it as art and make at least one million dollars. He said I was silly. I actually can't remember if that happened on Thursday or Friday, Nate can you clarify? Anyways, we finally left his room and partied with friends.It was fun. For some reason I stayed there until 4am even though I had to wake up at like 9 the next day. I talked about Andrew W.K. a lot, and glared at the bitch that stole my blankets. I didn't fuck Nate's roommate again, but I would have.

Saturday: This was the most fun night of all! Work sucked balls, but then Erica picked me up, and I went to her and Dan's house to drink beers. After beer drinking, Dan, his brother Eric and I went to quarter century for the show. It was super packed. The bands were cool and theres was tons of homies I wanted to hang out with. I drank a 4 loko and something called Max Vibe, which after trying it I renamed Maxx Payne. Molly gave me an emergency mustache and I tried to wear it but it wasn't sticky anymore! I held it to my face anyways, like I did with my Raphael mask when I was 5. Some kid yelled at me for being too cute. He kept saying "NO! TOO CUTE!" from across the yard. Then we talked and he said I looked like a little owl, I said "hooooo." At one point, I had a whole group of people laughing at my jokes. I am funny. I smoked so much weed at this show. Two boys separately came up to me in the hallway and asked if I had a bowl, which I did of course, so they got me high. Then we smoked a goodbye bowl with dan and eric in the van, and theeeennn we smoked a BLUNT with Lillian and Fat Boy in Nate's car. Good Lord child... Eventually the party cleared out a bit and it became actually locos only. I drank sangria out of a water bottle. and also played the game with Paddy and Nate, where you squirt your drink into your friends mouths all at the same time. I got it all over my face. (thats what she said.) Then one thing lead to another and I found myself serenading Albert along with Jaymes, with "Josie" by Blink 182. The greatest love song ever written. I left around 530 or so? 6 maybe? Some guy told me he'd fuck me if I gave him $40. Crackheads run cheap. I declined. I forgot to take my phone off vibrate and never woke up until I had a missed call from work. OOOOOPS. two hours late. They can suck it.

Sunday: No one seemed to care thaaaaaaat much that I was really late for work. So that was ok. Nate met me on my walk home and we tried to rent the hangover again, but found out that its not out yet. again. we suck at this. so then we got Land of the Lost and it was pretty good. Actually it was a lot better than I thought it was going to be. Then I went to sleep. Finally.

Now here I am on my day off. I am going to get high and then go grocery shopping. Cool.

There are so many babes in this world.

2009-12-09T00:14:00.000-08:00

To clarify, I did look like shit this morning. Last night I went to the show on the bus, and I both got stacked and went loko. It was intense. and awesome. The show was really fun, I don't remember any of the bands except for one. That one is Flea Bag. They were pretty good. I couldn't see anything, but they sounded pretty ok. This stupid girl stood in front of me and was annoying for a bit, oh, and i think i got hit in the face. I just remembered that. Interesting. Anyways, I got some Sunny D and all was right with the world.

Nate and that lil guy are making the same face.

This week is a busy one. S: work, M: Bus show, T: work W: hott daxx and glitter wizard at stork club, T: W, show at apgar, F:work, show at apgar, S:work, show at sugar mountain, personal and the pizzas at locos only. Woooo-eee.

This shit is so good:

sing it, girl.

2009-12-08T11:35:00.000-08:00

The guy at the corner store said I was looking rough this morning. Not a good sign.

Things I have learned through working retail:

2009-12-04T00:11:00.000-08:00

- When hot boys go shopping, they always have really bitchy girlfriends that treat you poorly. The hot boy always looks at you apologetically, and you wonder why he dates such a douche.

- Older attractive men like to flirt with young retail clerks. I think its part of some fantasy about being a rich, sexy, probably married old man and making it with a young, funky, poor girl. This always makes me blush and giggle and not be able to come up with anything funny/interesting to say. I would like to one day fuck one of these sexy silver foxes.

- People hate their children. I don't blame them, for the most part. But sometimes they have cute ones who aren't doing anything bad and they STILL hate them. Why have em if you aren't even gonna like em?

- Old white ladies are total bitches.

- Everyone thinks they are hilarious and clever. But they all make the same damn joke when you ask them if they want to apply for a credit card.

- At some point, when you manage a retail chain store you lose your soul. I'm not exactly sure where the line is that you cross, but there is some step along the way that turns you into a soul-less corporate monster.

- There are so many god damn squares in this world.

- Trannies and fat black ladies love me. I can't explain it, but for some reason they feel like they can relate to me. Perhaps I don't know myself at all, and I am actually a fat, black, tranny? Who knows. I don't mind though. Oh girl, you know what I'm talking about...

- If you are not mentally retarded you are regarded as a genius in the retail world. If you can understand simple instructions and not fuck up the simplest things, everyone will love you. It is an ego boost, but also at the same time a depressing reminder that the world is full of brainless morons.

2009-11-29T02:33:00.000-08:00

I think that Just Like Heaven by the Cure is a great song. It might be my favorite Cure song. The beginning where he's all "show me, show me, show me, how you do that trick, the one that makes me scream she said..." is so sexy.

Narcissism

2009-11-28T14:04:00.000-08:00

Here are some facts:

- Whenever I don't feel well I lay down on the bathroom floor and that always helps. I'm not sure why it does, but it always makes me feel better. I may go do it in a minute cause I still feel hungover.

- I think Woody Harrelson is sexy. and White Men Can't Jump is one of my favorite movies.

- More than anything, I really hate when people get made fun of or picked on. It makes me unbearably sad. Because of this I cry at nearly every movie I see, including funny ones. I just can't handle it. It's mean! No me gusta.

- I'm pretty sure I don't make any decisions as to what happens to me. Things just kinda happen and I go with the flow. I have no idea what the future holds, but I'm sure it will work itself out just fine.

- I hate working so much. I am not one of those people that would go crazy if I didn't have a job. I could spend my life unemployed and be perfectly happy. I would rather occupy my time with fun, or watching TV or something.

- Sometimes I think I'm really dumb. I have a hard time articulating my point and often get flustered in debates. It makes me feel like an idiot. I forget all of the things I know and can't come up with anything to say. But later on I will remember all of the good points, and get sad that I couldn't defend my argument properly.

- Last night I told some girl I liked her jacket and she just said "OK." without even looking at me and kept walking. She was a total cunt. Steveo called her a "k-u-n-t." I don't know what makes people act like bitches for no reason, I would never treat a total stranger who just complimented me like that. Seriously, some people just weren't raised properly. She did not deserve such a cool jacket.

- Some guy told me I was "funny as hell" the other day. I've been telling people for years that I'm hilarious and finally I've got some validation. Jokes, I got em.

- I am all talk and no game. I have so little confidence in myself that it often stops me from even trying things. Over the years I have been working on this, and I think slowly but surely I am getting to the point where I actually believe it when I say I'm awesome.

- For no reason at all, I feel compelled to lie to people when they ask about my tattoos. People are always like "whoa! I bet your mom doesn't like that party tattoo." and Im always like "yeah, she wasn't too happy..." but thats not true at all, she was actually totally into it. she was all "party on wayne" and i was all "if you're gunna spew, spew in this." I don't know why I automatically lie about it. Maybe cause its easier to just tell people what they want to hear.

- I think that Andrew W.K. would really like me if we hung out. But I fear that if I ever meet him, I will be too shy to be my charming, hilarious, posi self and he would instead just think I'm a nice little girl with a squeaky voice.

- All of my shoes smell really bad and make my feet dirty. I am very self-conscious about this and hate when people bring it up. But I can't make the problem go away, cause even when I get new shoes, I wear them every single day and I have to walk everywhere I go so this just makes them get dirty and smelly like the rest of em. It's a vicious cycle. Whats a girl to do?

So, now you know and knowing is half the battle.

Cotton candy and a rotten mouth, you know you're so fucked up, you know I couldn't help but have it for you.

2009-11-24T23:24:00.000-08:00

I heard a song today that made me think of you. "I really think its bad now it has to be like this. Even if we were just friends, friends don't act like this. I wanted to give you everything and you just wouldn't give me a chance." I hate that I still let myself think about you. I've wasted so many thoughts on you, so many feelings gone unresolved, so many perfect moments missed because of fear. Its been so long since I've seen your face, heard your voice, felt your touch. I shouldn't care any more. I shouldn't have cared to begin with. You were afraid. You didn't want to be happy. You reeled me in and pushed me away so many times I couldn't even count, and I let you. Stupidly, blindly, so foolishly. We've had so many almosts, so many moments that slipped away because neither of us could get the courage to push forward. I, too scared you'd push me away, never quite sure what was going on behind those big dopey eyes of yours. You, always coming closer and closer to letting me in but stopping just before we got there. Our eyes locked, our smiles matched, your hand in mine, but never anything more. Always stopped on the edge of innocent, toes dangling over into romantic. I know next time I see you it will be the same. I tell myself that I've grown, that I'm stronger and smarter, but I know just the look in your eyes, I know the smile you'll give me, the words you'll say and I'll be caught up all over again. You can have me any time you want me. That is so fucked up. I am so fucked up, YOU are so fucked up. I hope that she makes you happy, but I know that she doesn't. I don't think I'll ever understand you. Maybe that is why we'll never work. You can't understand how I can enjoy life, and I can't understand how you refuse to let anything feel good. Were not right for each other, and I know that. But I still want you. I still for no apparent logical reason want to give it a shot. Maybe I'm a masochist, because we both know that you'll just hurt me. I think that's why you couldn't try to make things work with me. You knew you'd hurt me, you knew you'd fuck something up, you knew I could make you happy and you don't want that. You are the masochist.

But god damn do you look good.

This Post is Pretty Much my Text Messages to Colleen Earlier Today.

2009-11-23T22:32:00.000-08:00

Today at work an old woman told me that sleeves are often too short on shirts because most clothes are made in China, and they are teeny tiny people. Good to know, lady.

I had to make Erica pull over her car today so I could throw up for like 10 minutes behind an extremely large tow truck. I puked right into a puddle. Some dude totally heard me and gave me a really funny look. I didnt even know I had to puke! I awoke with a headache, due to a very late night of partying because Barker is in town, but then as soon as I got in Erica's car it hit me. I thought I was going to be fine, but then I had to make her immediately pull over and then I ralphed. So much vomit. Then we ate pizza and drank soda! I wish I had more pizza and soda now.

Now I feel like its Saturday or something because I didnt go out all weekend due to being sick but partied hard last night. Work was confusing today.

Young boys should never go to sleep, they always wake a day older.

2009-11-21T23:28:00.000-08:00

If I was the type of person who believed in signs, I would have gone running from Oaklnad long ago. By all accounts, it seems as though this place is trying to kill me. I have been down on my luck for quite some time now. But lucky for me, and maybe for you, I am not really the type of person to believe in fate. We make our own choices in life. I choose to live in Oakland. I love this city. It makes me feel good. I finally feel like I have stepped out of the shadow of my family and friends in Boston and become my own person. There is no longer this preconceived notion of who I am or what I'm like, because no one knows me here, and certainly no one knows my loved ones. Don't get me wrong, I love Boston, it will always be my home. But Oakland feels so right for right now. This city is so full of adventure and fun. There is something new in every weekend. I am happy that I am here even though something in the universe might be trying to tell me otherwise. Fuck that. I can put up with as much bullshit as you throw my way, because Im not ready to give in yet.

But really though, I belong in Neverland.

2009-11-16T19:42:00.000-08:00

Everything hurts today. My throat is sore, my body is weak, my eyes are tired. The pains of a great weekend? The results of something so intense and alive and real, that it has to damage your outsides to satisfy your insides? Perhaps. So much happened in so little time. The faces of those I love the most. Music so fun you can't help but dance your silly little ass off to the point of potential embarrassment. One too many 4 Lokos, one too many pints of whiskey. Always pushing for more. There was the blow and the blow job. A cuddle puddle that resulted in 3 bodies on the floor, giggling and loving life and each other. A bike not built for someone the size of Danny Devito. Then there was the boy who kissed me out of no where. Where did he come from? The sex was good. The party was better. Bro down convos rule the night. Trying to explain why you just work as friends, to those who don't get it. They'll never understand. I don't know if it was the drugs, the kissing strange boys, the lack of sleep or all of the yelling that caused my throat to close up and fight against me, but whatever it was: it was worth it. It's always worth it.

This Video Sucks, This Song Rules

2009-11-11T00:27:00.000-08:00

Troll Foot

2009-11-10T00:37:00.001-08:00

Have you seen Wild Hogs? Good Flick.

2009-11-09T01:01:00.000-08:00

Its about that time when it starts to get really cold at night in Oakland. During the day it is still sunny and warm, but DAAYUUM does it get frigid at night. The other night I slept in two, count em, TWO! hoodies and a scarf. It makes me wish I had extra blankets, but some cunt gave them away. Let me set the scene for you: there was an awesome, totally fucking radical show at my house featuring, The Splinters, The Have Mercys, Let Op, NoBunny and Ringers. Best line up? SO FUN! Anyways, some bitch comes over to Colleen and says "hey, I've been kickin' it in the park with Dee and she needs some blankets, do you guys have any extra?" and Colleen says, "no. we need all of our blankets." Which is true, because it gets cold as fuck and we don't really use the heat. But bitchface decides to take it upon herself and find my two fleece blankets and give them to this lady anyways. This lady, who I know for a fact is running one over on her. But even that aside, its fucking MAY! She doesn't need my blankets. So, now I am left cold in the winter whereas that lady probably just pissed on them and left them on a street corner somewhere. We see this cuntface that gave my blankets away around town sometimes and make it a point to yell things in her general direction. Her band is the most terrible band ever, and they were playing the Clarion Alley fest the other week. I shouted "fuck you dude" ala Justin Long in Strange Wilderness and flipped her band off. She definitely didn't know it happened, but its fun to have a personal vendetta anyways. The same night of the party she got her purse stolen. I, on the other hand, had a fucking amazingly epic night.

So, the moral of this story, boys and girls is: Don't be a twat and give away someone's blankets, because if you do, your purse gets stolen.

The good, The Bad, The sexy

2009-11-05T02:09:00.000-08:00

Halloween: This shit was off the chain. (can i say that? does it work for me?) So fucking fun. It started with a jaunt through Piedmont Cemetery with Colleen, Danny, Erica, and Allie. Then we went to D&E's house and they made us a delicious feast. Back to our house for costume making and drink consuming. I became a thrash dude zombie and it was AWESOME. mostly because i got to yell things like "sk8 or die bitches!" at people, and wear an awesome "WHATEVER" hat that I made. This hat has now become a staple of my wardrobe. We played cards and got way wasted before even leaving the house. Then off to Lobot to watch Adrienne play in a Devo cover band. That shit was cool. But what was even cooler was that Jose was there and he gave Colleen and I mushrooms. We peed on some dude's plants and got yelled at. It was extremely funny. "What are you doing to my plants?! YOU TRAMPLED THEM!!!" What a little bitch. After this party got weird we moved on to the party at Richie's house. Now, I was tripping ballz. We danced and danced and danced. I stuck my hand in a toilet with puke in it to extract a lighter. Anything for a good cause. There was some Lady Gaga dancing. Off to the van to get even more high (was that possible?) Nate was passed out in there. We thought we lost him and were fully prepared to leave him behind, which in hindsight is kinda mean, but mostly funny. The next party was beat as fuck, so we took off to Sugar Mountain where NoBunny was playing a show to like 20 kids. They were the Cramps, and it was fucking rad. So much dancing. So much whiskey. The night ended the way any good night should, and that is smoking weed in a tent.

Driving to LA to drop off Colleen: The trip itself was fun, but the end result sucked shit. The drive down featured ye olde vanmates Colleen, Nate, Dan, Lilly and I. The perfect combination of van dwellers, if I do say so myself. We stopped at this place that had little sample cups so you could try all the coffees and cappuccinos. I drank so much free shit. It ruled. The French Vanilla BLAST! was my favorite. Was it called blast? Turbo? NO! Alert! anyways, it was delicious and free. The caramel macchiato (sp?) can eat a dick though. It tasted weird and bad. Being in LA really made me want to move there. I mean, I've always wanted to move there. But hanging out there again, and then leaving Colleen there reaaaaally made me wish I was staying there. I was thisclose to saying "fuck my job" and either staying there and living on the beach or shipping up to Boston (see what I did there?) for a few months to save up money and then moving out there. I even had this vision of riding my brother's old Dino to work at the CVS in my parent's hood with Amanda. Then I envisioned myself showing up at the worthen or some shit on it. It was kind of awesome. But also kind of silly cause I love Oakland, and don't want to leave it for Lowell. Not any time soon, anyways. The part that sucked was definitely leaving and Colleen staying. She is doing what is best for her though, and we shall meet again. and be super roomies again. I miss her already though. and am super jealous of all the awesome TV she gets to watch. Bitch is swimming in America's Next Top Model reruns. (side note: we got chinese food and my fortune said "gold is in your future", fucking rad right? only downside, this meal caused my account to overdraw and now I have negative dollars. opposite day? plus, my food was kinda gross. however, they go to this restaurant that we went to in I Love You, Man and they seem really into it. I bet they didn't get the tofu.)

Having weird sex dreams about a dude you've already fucked: This shit is weird. I totally had a dream that I was fucking this dude that I have slept with, but he was acting really weird and creepy. I have no clue what this means or if it is a terrible sign, but dear lord did it make me feel strange. I feel kinda dirty. I'm not sure I am going to be able to look him in the eyes next time I see him.

I smell like The Gap.

2009-10-30T21:56:00.000-07:00

I used some lotion at work today, and now I smell exactly like I work at the Gap. Fuck.

I will just have to dance party this stank right off of me.

WEIRD SHIT!

2009-10-29T11:17:00.000-07:00

Colleen and I made a comic! Its all based on true events. Here it is:

Jake Ryan is so hot.

2009-10-28T23:27:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I have to start working again. It is my first day back to working since I told my boss to fuck off a little over 3 months ago. Have you ever told a boss to fuck off? I advise it, it feels great. What a little douche that dude was. Hopefully this boss is nicer. She seems it, but they always seem it. Fuck, I hate working. Another Christmas season spent working retail. When will this madness end? I don't want a fancy career or anything, I just want someone to pay me to be cool. I really don't think that is too much to ask.

I was supposed to dress up as Dolly Parton for Halloween, and I still really want to, but I don't have any of the necessary things. and I am completely broke. Whats a girl to do? I don't know what I'll dress up as instead though. The main thing I go for on Halloween is dressing up as either something totally bad ass or something really fun that involves ridiculous make-up. Fuck, I love Halloween. Everyone always looks so awesome. Last year I was Andrew W.K. and it was fucking rad. No one knew who I was though, they were all like "what are you? a zombie?" and I was like "fuck you dude." Only one boy guessed what I was without having to prompt him with singing or yelling about partying. 3 months later I made out with him. I tried to fuck him, but he "doesn't fuck on the first night." I know, I know... whats with these boys? Also, I didn't remember he was the boy from Halloween. Or remember meeting him one other time. But he remembered that I was AWK, so I deemed him worthy of sexy time. It was fun, would do again.

Maybe he fucks on the second night.

ps -

I just wanted to dance in an abandoned cathedral.

2009-10-28T02:05:00.000-07:00

Today I've felt kind of sad. And although typically, sad people are also funny people, I do not feel particularly funny. You know you have those days where you just wanna mope and hate the world? Today was one of those days. Maybe. I'm not sure, it feels that way right now though. But its also 2am, and I'm sitting in a dark living room alone. Wishing I had my puppy. What a sad sack of shit that makes me seem like. Things are not bad, things are good, but sometimes you just wanna shout FUCK YOU at everyone. Or sometimes, you just wish you could have more. No sense dwelling on that though.

I had the worst horoscope ever for the month of November in ELLE magazine. Therefore, I've decided that their astrologist is not credible. It basically told me that I am going to be broke and alone for the rest of my life. Ok, thats not true exactly, more or less though and today that is how it felt. Fuck you, ELLE magazine. You aren't even that cool. Some of your fashion is aight, but like, your articles are totally boring. And where, may I ask you, are all the babes?

Reoccurring theme in my life: lack of babes. Doesn't anyone just wanna dance and make out anymore? That is all I want. Dance parties and make out sesh's, sign me up.

I'd settle for being able to listen to my records, though.

Party!

2009-10-26T18:12:00.001-07:00

Do us proud. Love yourself, have fun, smile, party!

"good things come to those who wait, cause she laid me"

2009-10-25T16:47:00.000-07:00

Now, I'm not one of those new age assholes who believes in karma and all that shit. And I'm not some hippie dippy mother fucker who thinks that positive vibes can save the world. But I do believe that if you put good energy out there, that eventually good things happen to you. I try not to let myself get too down, try not to complain about things that I can fix, and always try to be nice to everyone. These are not mind blowing, world changing things, but they help keep me happy. Because of that, I think that good things come to me. Everything is not always easy, but when I'm down and out, I have my friends to count on. Also, sometimes randomly I will get a check in the mail for 40 bucks for doing nothing. I had to spend a shitty day getting told I didn't have fancy pants by some asshole little league coach, but somehow they fucked up and paid me for the day anyways. Also, I finally got a job after 3 months of searching. Everything is turning up Kayla.

So, my message to you, dear reader, is as follows: No matter how shitty things seem, don't dwell on it. It will pass. Continue to have fun, go out with your friends even when you feel like telling the world to fuck off, spend money on beer even though you can't afford it, and fucking smile. Keep your chin up, party hard, tough it out and eventually things will go your way.

Colleen's bday weekend was really fun, it involved: free picnic at the park, mushroom treats, dance parties, hysterical laughing, dan falling asleep on the back porch, stolen cell phones, clarion alley music fest, trying to get into Nobunny but getting DENIED, dolores park, 40s, weed treats, bong rips in a tent, and sleeping.

I tried to upload pictures, but this internet connection sucks too bad right now.

Thank You

2009-10-22T14:46:00.000-07:00

Dongshotz.com

2009-10-21T22:05:00.000-07:00

I spent a lot of time today looking at dicks on the internet with Danny. Some were big, some were small, some were fucked up. For some reason, however, I could not find any totally hot babes. Where have all the babes gone? There are none in real life, and none on the internet, so where are they all? I just want someone to fuck on the regular. Not a boyfriend. Just you know, when the party is over, someone to go home with. Really, is that too much to ask for? I don't think it is. So step up, boys. Fargo is on the tv, and I'd rather be fucking you than watching some people in Minnesota being cold.

Don't bother going to dongshotz.com, despite being written on my ibuprofen bottle during a party, the url yields no results. Talk about disappointment.

I'm compelled to post a photo from ratemycock.com, but I won't. This time.

some words.

2009-10-20T01:51:00.000-07:00

I’ve worked some shitty jobs just to get by. Went to school for countless hours, just to pass the time. I’ve got nothing to show for either of those, but everything to show for the time wasted in between. Countless nights of smiles so huge your face just might break. Adventures so insane, the next morning you actually wonder if you are living a life or in a movie. I’ve never written a tune, but I’ll keep singing these songs, cause my inspiration comes from my friends. The ones who create something real out of what they’ve got around them. So much talent in ten little fingers, so much strength in the vocal chords they’ve damaged with too many cigarettes and whiskey drinks, so much heart in their verse. All I want out of this life is to enjoy it. I’m not here to create something huge, or to succeed the way they say I should, I’m here to laugh, love and explore. At the end of the day, it doesn’t fucking matter that my bank account is empty and my crappy apartment is a mess, because I’ve got all I need in a sunny day, bottle of whiskey, and a few good friends. I don’t need the insurance of a steady job or a house of my own, all I need is a song to sing on the top of my lungs, words that resonate within me for years to come. There is an adventure around every corner. Living fast, living reckless and living for me and for you. I could write a book on all the stupid shit I’ve seen, but I’d rather you live it than read it.

WILD!

2009-10-19T13:48:00.000-07:00

This weekend was pretty dece. On Friday, Colleen, Nate and I had a food stamps feast that was very delicious. Then we were supposed to go to this art show thing that my friends were doing, but half way there Nate decided he didn't wanna go, so he dropped me off back at home. What a wiener. Then Colleen, Devin and I watched Pineapple Express. But you probably already knew that.

Saturday, whew, Saturday was a doozy. I met Anabel at MamaBuzz around 8ish, we hung out and talked for a while and then Devin met us there. We left, went to the liquor store and started our night. Shannon & the Clams played at Fuzzplex and it was super fun. I didn't listen to any of the other bands, well I tried to listen to one but they were boring so I stopped. I kinda forgot that we were even at a show and not a party. Devin and I came up with the idea of "jizz catching pants", they'll be on the market soon. At some point I realized I was fucking wasted. The cheap vodka does it to me every time. While S&theC's played, I continuously got pushed into Cody while he was trying to play and felt like a dick. Also, some dude dumped so much fucking beer on my head, so that sucked. But the worst part was when some dude just like pushed into the crowd and as the domino effect goes, I ended up on the ground. God Dammit. I heard from a credible source that it was a seedy looking fella with a red beard. I will seek revenge. Anyways, as most good nights do, this night ended in the hot tub. Just Anabel and I went and it was very nice until a weird dude with a cute puppy that that lives there came down. He quickly tried to have a threesome with us and things got weird. But we eventually escaped from that situation. His penis was extremely small.

On Sunday, I awoke and proceeded to vomit some neon green liquid. I dunno why it was that color, it was weird. Then I got dressed and went to the Shannon & the Clams tour benefit bbq. It was fun! For the first hour or so I thought I was going to die though, and almost had to go home. Im glad I stuck it out and just laid on the ground for a while though. Shannon gave me a glass of water, and I ate some delicious vegan fudge and all was right with the world. I also had some pina colada and a beer that helped. Then I came home and we watched True Romance. Oh Christian Slater how I pine for thee... Check out Colleen's blog for sexy boyfriend photos.

Or just scroll down and look at Sugar Danny if ya wanna get your rocks off.

2009-10-17T11:53:00.000-07:00

Hey Kids, its time for more Reviews!

2009-10-16T13:21:00.000-07:00

Applying for jobs:Oh this, this can go suck an egg. (Note to self: great expression, use more often.) I have been applying for fucking jobs forever. I sit at my computer filling out these god damn assessments that all ask me the same questions, why oh why are you just forcing me to waste my time and lie to you? Or other days I just walk around aimlessly wandering into stores to inquire if they're hiring and get told no, over and over again. Fuck, this shit sucks so hard. Don't do it. Quit all your jobs and get out while you can. Working sucks so hard, someone give me money or just like free rent.

Food Stamps: Now here is something I can get behind. $200 a month? yes, please. No more plain spaghetti for breakfast! Holy shit life rules. Food Stamp BBQ soon. If you are pretty you will be invited.

Morning Bong Rips with Colleen in the Living Room: This is my favorite part of the day. We wake, we pack the bong, we hit it. Sometimes we do this on the back porch, which is also very nice. We wear sunglasses when we do that. I am going to miss this when she moves away from me. We will have to do conference call morning bong rips from LA to Oak.

Yummy Yummy Punk Rock Girls

2009-10-15T15:53:00.000-07:00

Is it weird that I always just want to listen to the Queers? Should I have stopped that in like 7th grade or something? Whatever dude, they are everything I want in a band and I'm ok with being a 12 year old boy. Fuck the world, Im hanging out with you tonight.

I was in the shower earlier and Little Richard came on my ipod. I fucking LOVE little richard. What a man, seriously. Enjoy this video:

I like that those are the people who one the dance contest.

Now I am listening to the big big bucks. how much do they fucking rule? holy shit. i love them. have you fucking heard the new album? I don't understand why these guys aren't huge, and I am not on tour with them as their personal party assistant. We would watch so much degrassi on our fancy tour bus. A girl can dream. Go listen to Summer Bummer now.

Something I've Learned through Magazine Subscriptions

2009-10-13T14:07:00.000-07:00

So, for some strange reason I won't get into, I started getting a million magazines in the mail. They are all really strange and extremely diverse. I receive: Time, Essence, Ebony, New York Magazine, the Daily Variety, The Advocate, Out, Dog Fancy, Martha Stewart Living, Glamour, and many, many others. Well what I have learned is the following:

The Advocate: the thinking gays magazine. too political and not enough seeexxyyy boyfriend for my tastes. BOOOORING.

Out: a bit over the top, crucial to my discovery that somewhere inside of me is a flamboyantly gay man trying to get out. that sounds gross, huh?

Essence: for old religious ladies. so boring. it pretty much just taught me im not beautiful because im not black and that no man will ever love my white girl non-booty and my heathen ways.

Ebony: I actually forget what this one is like. some months my magazines don't come. i think the mailman has been stealing them. bastard.

The Daily Variety: this one is the biggest piece of shit. usually i just put it into the recycle bin before bringing it into the house. but if it somehow makes its way in, it is often just used as packing material. despite the name, i didnt realize it would be coming every day. note to self: work on reading comprehension skills.

and last, but most certainly not least,
Dog Fancy: now, I never really read the articles because I don't have a dog I'm looking to train, but the posters! the glorious posters! Every time it comes, I just rip through the magazine and tear out the posters and immediately hang them on my kitchen wall. Dog Fancy has provided us with the CUTEST decor of all time.

माय हार्ट बेलोंग्स इन रेनो

2009-10-13T12:25:00.000-07:00

Today I awoke with the pains of a sickness coming on. My nose is stuffy, my throat is sore, and I have no desire to leave my bed (aka: the couch in the living room). Luckily for me, Colleen quit her job a few days ago and like me, is a lazy piece of shit, so we can sit around all day doing nothing. I was supposed to go to the food stamps office, but its raining and well, frankly I'd rather just sit here with C-Leen watching dvds of shitty tv shows and taking bong rips. Anyways, just because I'm sick doesn't mean I can't blog! Lucky you! Here are some photos:

Nate and Devin being ghosts at the Marina

One woman dance party on Game Night

and for good measure, I will include this photo of one of the best nights of my life. I'll set the tale for you: I managed to escape work early, just in time to hop in the van and drive straight to Reno. We arrived at Donovan's house, where we proceeded to get drunk as fuck. Actually, Colleen and I started mixing our drinks at the liquor store, before my card had even been approved for the purchase. A show was played, some dancing was done, and then it was time to party. We let some girl named Kayla (how could she steer us wrong with such a glorious name?!) convince us to go to a shitty bar/club called, of course, "Tonic" but C and I only stayed there for like 2 songs and then we ran away into the night with some fella who promised to take us somewhere more fun. We walked for what seemed like a really, really long time and eventually ended up at another shitty bar. So we decided to leave, but like we were in Reno and had no clue how to get back to where we started. We wandered the streets for a really long time, and finally ended up back at the house where I was appalled to find out that all of the 17 year olds hanging out there had not seen "Total Recall", so I put it on. They did not appreciate it. I also didn't know they were 17 until the one I wanted to make-out with said something about a hall pass, and I was all "god dammit. are you kidding me?" I probably still would have made out with him. Don't tell his mom. He looked like Andrew W.K., and I'm a creep. Anyways, I digress, somewhere along this journey we found Pauly Shore's hand prints on the side of a building and it was magical. I tried to put my hand in his, but I was too short, as you can see in the following photo:

I love you, Reno.

Well, thats a doozy.

2009-10-12T11:39:00.000-07:00

This weekend was intensely awesome. It started on Wednesday with free drinks at the Ruby Room, and ended on Sunday with bong rips in a living room tent. And by tent, I mean a blanket being held up by the heads of my friends who are taller than me. The show here on Saturday was super awesome fun. Tons of homies, tons of dancing, and tons of vodka. I like those things. Shannon & the Clams played "Hybrid Moments" again, but they did not play "Hunk Hunt". Also I may have been hasty when I said those things about Forever. I mean, I still think the music was boring, but now I at least like them as people. Well, mostly Joel, the drummer. He loves Sublime and Blink 182, and I just can't have anything against a man who has such great taste.

On Friday I went to Steveo's bday party. At first it was really awkward because I was not drunk for a long time, and Colleen DITCHED me while I was in the bathroom. But then as the night went on, I got progressively drunker thanks to the help of my friends and eventually ended up in my favorite place to end a night, the hot tub. I will review that now.

The Hot tub:

This place both rules and sucks at the same time. You just gutta hop one measly fence and you find yourself in a warm, bubbly abyss. However, once inside you realize that being wasted and being in a hot tub is not always the best idea. Usually, you end up WAY drunker than you previously were and sometimes you do things that are very out of character. And you always wake up with a terrible hang over from your brains being boiled in the steamy water. But its so hard to say no to the allure of the hot tub, so you always go anyways. Plus, it involves scantily clad babes, and who in their right mind is going to pass that up? No one, I say, no one. Always a good decision, despite the ridiculous things the stupid, sexy water makes you do and say. Plus, this time I totally got to make out with someone, so like thats cool.

The best part of Steveo's bday party was probably the dance party he and I had to Andrew W.K. Everyone else was being a bunch of fucking squares sitting on a couch, and SteveO and I were jumping up and down and screaming. Cause dude, its totally time to fucking party. Some people just don't know what fun is. The worst part was probably when I was going to unplug the ipod so we could sing Happy Birthday to SteveO and I tripped over a giant rock in the middle of the floor and fell on my face in the middle of the party. In front of everyone. Graceful, I know. I am a jackass and my knee is all bruised up. Fuck me. But seriously, who just leaves a giant fucking rock laying around? What the shit.

Colleen has a blog now too. She's totally coping my shit, I'm not going to link her cause she is COMPETITION. Just kidding, we will probably just have sister blogs that talk about the same shit and are both hilarious. Get in on this shit, dog. Happy Birfday Jeff, find it fo yo self son.

Fuck, I forgot about this part

2009-10-09T12:17:00.000-07:00

This Old Lady that Was fucking Wasted as shit:

There was this old as fuck lady at the show last night, and she was wearing a stupid hat, a jean jacket, bell bottoms (but like haaaay girl ones, not old hippie lady ones), and hot pink platform shoes. She was so drunk she couldn't stand. At one point she came over, grabbed my hand, caressed my arm and kept repeating an unintelligible sentence over and over again. I thought she was speaking french, but then my friend Adrienne said she was saying "I love you." So I was like "uh thanks.." and she kept saying it, so then I was like "You seem nice too." But she just kept saying it. So eventually I just yanked my arm and walked away. Then she sat on the pool table in the middle of a game and got kicked out by a GIANT man. But like, she just sat on the stairs outside the bar for two hours. At some point I went outside and this dude had one of her shoes, and I was like "Yo dog, whyd you kick the shit out of an old lady and steal her shoe? YOU'RE DESPICABLE!" and he was like "naahhh, her old ass got carted off in an ambulance." and this made me feel weird and shitty. Fucking old ladies man, whats their deal?

Step 2: Review Some Shit

2009-10-09T11:52:00.000-07:00

Here is the section of my blog where I review a bunch of shit that may or may not be of importance to you. If there is something you would like me to review, let me know, and maybe I will do it. No promises though, cause like if its something that I know is going to suck, Im not going to sit through it. Anyways, here goes!

The Show I went to Last Night at the Stud in San Francisco:

This shit was pretty cool. In the sense that I got really fucking stoned in the van with Colleen, got in for free, and got to see some of my home dogs from Portland. That being said, I didn't even watch the first band but I heard there was a lot of fake blood. The second band, Forever, sucked. What sucks even more is that they are playing my house tomorrow night so I like have to be nice to them and shit. Also, I totally lost at pool to Lisa, so that part sucked too. But then! Purple Rhinestone Eagle played and they fucking slayed it. Their new jams were awesome and heavy as fuck and righteous. Plus, I really love those ladies. The only part I would change is all the weird lesbians in front of me that kept putting their butts into my crotch. My eyes were closed half the set, and I was headbanging so hard that my neck hurts this morning. Shannon & the Clams were up next, and they ruled per usual. My favorite part was that they covered "Hybrid Moments" and I fucking love that song. Also, at first I wasn't so sure how I felt about the capes and monkey masks but as time has gone on, they have grown on me. I now embrace the costume. However, winner of best "showfit" definitely goes to Ashley of PRE. Best moment: Screaming really loudly and jumping off of a curb into Adam Garcia's arms, I love that man.

2 STAR RETAIL:

This market is located at 32nd and San Pablo in Oakland, which ever so conveniently, happens to be directly across the street from my house. I think these fellas are selling themselves short when they only give them 2 stars. I'd say at least three. I mean, sometimes the dude who runs it comes over and smokes a blunt with me. Other times, they give me free candy and discounted soda. Now THATS customer service. Also, Im pretty sure they run some sort of shady business from the back of the store. But you know, thats their deal, play on play boys.

Ok, that is it for now but I am sure I will think of more later. Future blogs will have pictures, but im just kind of lazy.

Step 1: Get Famous

2009-10-07T20:46:00.000-07:00

I thought about starting a blog, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that blogs are totally assholes. Besides what the fuck would I have to write about all the time? I don’t have a job, so I can’t write about all the douche bags at my work. All I really do is get drunk. Well, and I dabble in recreational drugs from time to time. But seriously, what would I tell a blog and how would it get me famous? I could write about the time I got too drunk and fell down in the middle of the street, but that’s pretty much the extent of that story. Or about today for instance, when I went to a catering job that cost me $8 dollars and 4 hours of my life, and somehow I walked away with no money cause my pants weren’t fancy enough. But that’s just a downer. Is there anything about me that would interest you? Probably not. I mean, don’t get me wrong I am cool as shit, but you’re probably a square and you wouldn’t think the same things are funny. I could talk about fashion, but like all I ever wear is the same 8 dresses over and over again in various different ways, and that would get a bit tired. Or how about music? But you guys probably already know enough about Blink-182, without me telling you how fucking wicked hella cool they are. Come to think of it, I could probably write a totally sick blog that will get me famous. All the honies will be scopin’ my shit after Nylon magazine gives me a monthly column. Speaking of which, I wrote Nylon a letter today, it went as follows:

Dear Nylon,

Help a sista out! I am broke and without a home and in

serious need of an upbeat, fun and creative job. I bring

a new meaning to hobo chic! Plus, I am hard working,

fashion savvy, and so good at stapling, filing and coffee

getting that you will be BLOWN away. Help me put my

hard earned college degree to good use! Besides, I’d be tax

deductible and charity is all the rage in the holiday season.

Here’s Hoping!

Kayla

That’s sure to get me a job, right? I think it’ll do the trick. It will probably go over as well as my email to the real world: “My name is Kayla, I’m 23 and I like to party!” I really don’t see what is so wrong with that, its truthful. And lets be honest here, I’d make great T.V. These suits don’t know what they’re missing by sleeping on me. That little fucking paper clip guy keeps popping up trying to give me advice; I wish he’d step off. Chill out dude, I have an English degree that means I am allowed to have poor grammar and pass it off as artistic license. Get with the times chachbag. Does this count as a real blog entry if I typed it into Microsoft word? Did I just blow up my spot? Well, fuck it. I probably should have waited until I have a computer that doesn’t turn off for weeks at a time for no apparent reason, and internet connection that I don’t have perch up in my living room window to gingerly steal from the neighbors, to start this endeavor anyways…